Worst Customer of the Day

2008-06-30T01:18:00.002-07:00

Table 3

I walked up to the table and did the usual, "Good afternoon, folks. How are you doing today?"
Him to Me: "We're hungry. Can't find anywhere to eat."
"Well, sir. Looks like you finally found the right spot. We've got a little bit of everything on the menu and big enough portions to fill up just about anyone. Can I answer any questions about our menu for you or would you like to look it over while I get you some drinks? A coke or a margarita?"
Her to Me: "Do you serve half-portions?"
"No, ma'am, I'm sorry, we do not. But we have big to-go boxes if you can't finish it all. It's like two meals for the price of one."
Him To Her: "Well do you just want to go then? They don't have half-portions."
Her To Him: "Do they have anything you like on the menu?"
Him To Her: "Yeah, I see what I want. But they don't have half-orders. Let's just go."
Her To Him: "If you found something you can order it. I will keep looking."
Him To Her: "I'm not going to order before you and look like an asshole."
Me to Them: "If you need a few minutes I can come back. I have a water for you here if you'd like to start with that..."
Him to Me: "This is the third restaurant we've been to tonight. The first place smelled like shit and fuck all if I'm going to eat in a restaurant that smells like they cook their food in diarrhea. Then we went to this place that had their music so loud you couldn't hear a damn thing and the booth was so dark I couldn't see my own hand in front of me. Probably making sure you can't see all the damn cockroaches."
Me: "Okay..."
Her to Him: "Lets just order. I can take it home. It's okay."
Him to Me: "We'll take two Negro Modelos first off."
Me: "I'm sorry sir, we don't have that. We have Corona, Tecate and Pacifico for Mexican beers."
Him to Me: "Dos Equis Amber then."
Me: "Sir, I can go through our full list but if you want a Mexican beer, we only have Corona, Pacifico or Tecate."
Him: *slams menu on the table* "This is bullshit. BULL-SHIT. We are leaving."
Her: "I don't mind the Tecate."
Him: "I do. I do mind. We are leaving!"
Her: "They have rellenos."
Him: "It's bullshit! We are NOT staying here. We are leaving RIGHT NOW." *gets up and stomps, like a spoiled three year old, out*
She followed him out like a beaten dog, her head down, small quick steps and her purse dragging along the ground.
Table 4 was in hysterics and for the rest of their meal, everytime I went to their table they asked, "You didn't cook this in diarrhea did you?"

2008-04-27T23:35:00.002-07:00

I wasn't slacking...the restaurant was closed for a week for renovations.

But I don't really have a new story, so here are some bits and pieces from some old ones...

Table 1

NachoMan: Do you put lots of cheese on your nachos?
Moi: Yeah, we put quite a bit. But it's melted cheese, not cheese sauce.
NachoMan: That's cool. I want some nach-os.

I bring out said Nachos.

NachoMan: Damn, that's a lot of cheese.
Moi: Cool

*a few minutes pass*

Moi: How is everything tasting?
NachoMan: This shit is terrible. It's just melted cheese, not nacho cheese. And there's chili on here. I can't eat this shit. It's shit. It tastes like cheesy shit, with shitty chili on it and soggy ass tortilla chips underneath it.
Moi: Alright. Want to do something else instead?
NachoMan: Nah, that'll probably just taste like shit too...Don't take them away. Bring me a box. My wife will like probaly like this. Tastes like some shit she'd make.

Table 9

MilkshakeGuy: You still make milkshakes in the tin here?
Me: We sure do.
MilkshakeGuy: They're not on the menu.
Me: They're on the dessert menu over there...the flavors are listed on the big milkshake picture in the middle on the yellow side.
MilkshakeGuy looks at blue side, points to the Martini picture and says: These are all alcoholic drinks. Don't you got milkshakes? You know, ice cream and milk in the tin. Milkshakes?
Me: Yes, sir on the other side there's a list. We have vanilla, chocolate, banana...
MilkshakeGuy: You don't got prices on here? Where are the prices? You change the prices so often you can't afford to print new drink menus everytime you change them up so you just leave them without prices? Or you just try to cheat your customers so you can charge them whatever you want?
Me: No, our prices stay the same no matter who orders. One flavor is $4 and each additional flavor is $ .50 extra.
MilkshakeGuy: I want a chocolate milkshake made with vanilla ice cream. Lumpy, so you can tell it's vanilla ice cream. If it's not lumpy, that ruins it. You can't taste the difference in the chocolate and vanilla.

I considered charging him for two flavors...since he was so specifically asking to taste both vanilla and chocolate, but I was nice and charged for one flavor...oh, did I mention this was about 10 minutes before close that this fuck ordered three milkshakes? (We scoop our own ice cream and have to make them on a trainwreck of a blender, it takes forever and no server in the world enjoys making milkshakes...even if we do get to take the extra for ourselves.)

I bring out their shakes and
MilkshakeGuy: Did you make this?
Me: Yes, I did.
MilkshakeGuy: You know what you're doing, this is perfect. Absolutely perfect. An exemplary milkshake. Thank you.

They left 15 minutes after we closed...but they made it worth my while with the $1 they left as a tip.

**NOTE TO NON-SERVERS**

VERBAL COMPLIMENTS ARE NOT A TIP!!

2008-04-06T00:17:00.002-07:00

Wow, where to start! It's been a big weekend in Diner Hell...

Table 7

Lady: What's the difference between a Buffalo Fried Chicken Salad and Fried Chicken Salad?
Me: The Buffalo Fried Chicken is a fried chicken breast smothered in buffalo sauce, with celery, carrots and tomatoes on a bed of lettuce, and the Fried Chicken Salad is...
Lady: So, it's not really a salad?
Me: Yes, it's a salad.
Lady: Okay, I'll have that.
Me: Blue Cheese or Ranch Dressing?
Lady: For chicken salad?
Me: Ma'am, it's not chicken salad. It's A salad with a buffalo-style fried chicken breast on top.
Lady: Oh, blue cheese then.

Me: Here's your salad.
Lady: Hm.
Me: Does everything look okay?
Lady: I just wasn't expecting a buffalo chicken salad to have buffalo sauce on the chicken.

*blink*

Table 5

An older-ish couple (early 50's) sat in my section on a pretty busy night...we won't give him a name because really he has nothing to do with this story but we'll call her Pennywise (because of the badly dyed red hair and scary make-up) BUT before they sat down (and which I found out later) they had an interaction with our inept host.

Host: Just one tonight? (she asks the man standing alone at the host desk)
Him: No, there's two.
Pennywise: Excuse me? Did you not see us come in together? I am with him. (She'd been standing by the special board)
Host: No, I hadn't seen you come in. Right this way.
Pennywise: Don't forget, it's for TWO. I know it can be hard.

So, they sit down, order iced teas and dinner. He's having a burger and she's having a Hot Turkey sandwich andsalad with crackers.
I get two new tables as I put in Table 5's order.
I run to get drinks and ask my manager to take Pennywise her salad with crackers. The manager makes the salad and puts a single packet of crackers on the plate. I get my drinks for my other tables, I run out another tables food, and I take an order (granted it was a few minutes before I got back to check on the salad, but I figured they'd be okay for five minutes with full drinks and their salad)
I stop on my way to take my other order, offer dessert and drop off a check, and take a drink order for my new table...
Me: Food should be up in just a couple of minutes. Do you need any more tea or anything right now?
Pennywise: I wanted crackERS with my salad.
Me: Sorry, be right back with more crackers.

I run around my section get back to the window and Table 5's food is up. So I grab their food, a handful of crackers and run over to Table 5.

Me: Alrighty folks, the food came up pretty quick so here's dinner and your crackers. I'm really sorry it took so long to get them to you.
Pennywise: No you're not.
Me: Excuse me?
Pennywise: You're NOT sorry. You don't care. You didn't even listen to me. I wanted to eat my salad BEFORE my food came out and I couldn't without my crackers. You're horribly rude. Horribly. Don't say you're sorry about something that obviously you care NOTH-ING about.
Me: I am very sorry you didn't get to eat your salad. Is there something I can do Now about it? Would you like a box for it and you can take it home instead? Would you like me to take your food back and bring it when you're done with your salad?
Pennywise: Stop. Saying. You're. Sorry. You're not sorry.
Me: Ma'am, I am. It seems there's nothing *I* can do for you. I'm going to get my manager and maybe she can do something.
(At this point I just need to get away from the table. I have other orders to take, checks to drop off, drinks to get...and worst of all her whole "You don't care" thing, really upset me and brought tears to my eyes. I may not specifically care about her, but I do care about my job.I may be *just* a waitress, but dammit I'm professional.)
Pennywise: She can't do anything. All that needs to be done is for you to change your attitude and you're the only one who can do that. You need to stop being so rude.
*I walk away with tears stinging my eyes*
I tell my managaer about the situation and she goes to talk to Table 5.
The manager comes back to me and says, "She had an almost entirely different story. She said you never stopped, she tried to get your attention repeatedly and you ignored her and when you dropped off the crackers, she thanked you and now everything is fine. I even offered to get another server to finish their meal and they said it wasn't a problem, everything was great."
I'm stunned. "Beth, she really did say that to me, she was so upset." "I believe you. Don't worry...but they're okay now. So just don't worry about it."
I go back to Table 5.
Me: How is everything.
Table 5: *silence*
Me: Okay. Here's your check. If you need anything else, Beth is the manager and you can go to her.
Table 5: *silence*

2008-04-03T23:19:00.002-07:00

Table 12

A young couple and his mom (you could tell because they were black and the girlfriend was white) sat down for a lovely dinner and a chat...well less of a chat and more of a harangue from the mother about the young couples impending nuptials. She was of the mind that they should not get married...as they're interracial.

Now, as customers, they were actually pretty nice. They ordered quickly, were happy with both their food and their service, and they tipped well. They're featured here because of their conversation. I'll fill you in on the bits I got to hear. (Please note, the boyfriend pretty much stayed silent with his head turned away from the two women arguing.)

Mother: How can you say you respect yourself if you let a man move into your house when he doesn't have a job? What kind of a woman not only supports a lazy man, but lets him sleep in her bed before they're married.
Girlfriend: He's not in my bed. He's on the couch.
Mother: Does that make it any better? If anything that's worse. You're supposed to be marrying him but you won't even let him sleep in the same room as you?
Girlfriend: He sleeps with me sometimes.
Mother: Well then how do you know he's into you for you and and not just for what you're giving him.
Girlfriend: He's marrying me isn't he?
Boyfriend: Can I have more orange soda?

Mother: And your children?
Girlfriend: They'll be fine.
Mother: Child, neither race really accepts interracial children. They'll be outcasts.
Girlfriend: I have no idea what year you're living in.
Mother: Don't give me, "Times have changed." I deal with racism as much today as I did twenty years ago. It would be better if you don't even have kids than to have half breeds.
Boyfriend: Do you have Tabasco sauce?

Mother: What can a white girl know about being with a black man? You can't cook like his momma and you sure don't clean like his momma.
Girlfriend: I'm not going to be his momma, I'm going to be his wife.

Mother: You've only been dating four months. That's not even serious.
Girlfriend: We've known each other for a year.
Boyfriend: Can I get a box, that was such good food.
Mother: Yes, the food was wonderful. Enjoy it son. She *points to Girlfriend* won't be able to cook you fried chicken like that.
Boyfriend: Oh, can I get an orange soda to go too?

I'm not being racist, he really did have fried chicken and orange soda...In case you're wondering the mom had chile rellenos and the girlfriend had a burrito.
Which brings us to the moral of our story:
People of all colors like Mexican food.

2008-03-30T02:07:00.002-07:00

Table 7

A couple in their mid-40's and an old guy (I'm guessing he was the dude's father) have been waiting for approximately 45 seconds. (I was right behind the host that sat them and only stopped to pick up a water before getting to their table.)
I put down the water and say, "Good evening folks. How are you doing tonight?"
Dude: We're ready to order.
Me: Good deal, what can I do for you ma'am? (I like to start with the ladies order, seems polite right?)
Dude: I'll have the Patty Melt, no onions, on sourdough bread, with cheddar instead of american cheese and NO ONIONS. Okay? Can you do that? No Onions.
Me: Yes, I got it. No onions. How do you like your burger cooked?
Dude: Did you hear the rest? Cheddar cheese and sourdough? And make sure there are No Onions anywhere on the plate.
Me: Yes, sir. *shows book where I write down orders* See, no onions, cheddar, sourdough. How do you like it cooked?
Dude: Medium rare. Not bloody. Med-I-Um RARE.
Me: Okay, what can I get for you ma'am.
Dude: She's going to have the Patty Melt, too.
Me: Okay, how do you like yours cooked ma'am?
Dude: Make sure there's no onions on hers either.
Lady: Well done and I'll have mine just like his, but on rye and with swiss cheese (Which I'd like to point out is not just like his at all...unless you count the no onions)
Me: Got it. And for you sir?
Old Dude: Patty Melt. The way it comes. Medium.
Me: Awesome, does anyone need anything to drink with your burgers?
Dude: Just make sure there's no onions and I'll be okay.

I bring out their food a few minutes later...

Me: Can I get you folks any mustard or mayo for your burgers, ranch for your fries?
Dude: I can smell onions. Are you sure this is cheddar? It looks like American cheese.
Me: The onions are on his burger *points to Old Dude* and as far as I know it's cheddar. Do you need anything else to go with your dinner?
Old Dude: This ketchup's empty. *squirts ketchup on my arm* Oh, I guess there was a little left.
Me: *stunned silence*
Lady: Well? Can we get a NEW ketchup?

I didn't even answer, I just walked away.
I told the manager that the Old Dude at Table 7 had just squirted ketchup on my arm...and he laughed. I made him take them their ketchup and their check and I ate the rest of his onion rings.

2008-03-12T01:39:00.004-07:00

2007-04-28T05:24:00.000-07:00

Hi Folks!

Sorry about the lack of updates lately.
I had my shifts cut for a few weeks and as a result didn't run into quite as many jerks as I tend to and the ones I did come across just didn't seem as bad as the old ones. Sure, they still complain if there's too much ice in their water or if they have to wait more than five minutes for their steaks well-done but it just didn't seem worth it to bring something so petty to you.
I'm working on getting some server friends to share their stories with you at a later date...but as of now, the updates will stay on their about once every two weeks or so pace.

I'll have something for you no later than May 1. Promise.

2007-02-23T23:03:00.000-07:00

Table 41

I saw the host seat Table 41 and followed him with a carafe of water. I set it on the table as he gave them their menus. I greeted them with my standard, "Good evening, ladies. How are you today? *pause appropriately* Glad to hear it. Could I start you off with a coffee, coke, margarita or an iced tea?"
Mother: "We have only just walked in the door. We have no idea what we'll be drinking tonight. It's very rude for that to be the first question out of your mouth. We will need more time."
*smile* "I understand you'll need a few minutes. I'd just like to point out my first question was to ask how you were. I'll go ahead and give you a some time."
Daughter: "Excuse me, miss? I'm sorry, could I have an iced tea? That sounds really good."
"Of course, I'll be right back." I took about 45 seconds to get an order from a single gentleman sitting at a counter seat, then I filled the iced tea and brought it to the table.

Mother: "It doesn't look busy. There are a lot of empty tables"
"It's not quite dinner time yet; we'll fill up soon. Would you prefer a bigger booth?"
Mother: "No. I was just wondering why, if it's not busy it took you so long to get back to take our order?"
They hadn't even been in the restaurant a full five minutes yet and the bitch is complaining .
"I apologize for the wait. I'll go ahead and take your order now so you won't have to wait any longer, if you'd like."
Mother: "We'll share your chicken nachos. Chili on the side. No guacamole. A Large, did you get that, LARGE? salsa. I want the cheese melt-ed, not like it is sometimes where it's just shredded cheese tossed on there, MELT-ED. Jalepenos, so they're noticeable. I want to actually be able to taste them. Light on the lettuce and extra tomatoes. And a sour cream for each of us."
"Sounds great, I'll get that in right now and out to you as soon as possible. Did you decide if you'd like a drink?"
Mother: "Yes, I will need a coke. I'm surprised you remembered to ask."
*smile and walk away to do a million other things*

About ten minutes later, I'm crazy busy putting in orders from the bar getting out food to people that ordered before Table 41 and drinks and orders from people that have come in since Table 41 arrived. My manager is helping out and runs my food to Table 41. Everything came up exactly how they wanted. He said me, "They said no one ever got it right before. Hahaha. You're good girl." Which really did make me smile.

Then *I* go to check on Table 41 myself just to make sure they're happy.

Mother: "The cheese was melted, but it was still somehow cold. And she got more sour cream than I did, so I'll need another one. And could you do me a favor and ask the cooks how old these chips are? They taste stale. Eventually, I'll need another coke, but could you ask your manager to get it for me? He's so nice and he actually seems to care about what we need."
"I'm sorry, was there something you needed that I didn't get for you?"
*Mother stuffs a handful of chips in her mouth instead of answering me*
Daughter: "No, actually, you've been wonderful."
"Thank you very much. I'll have Anthony come back by with your sour cream and soda in a minute."

I went to the manager and relayed the previous exchange to him. He agreed that Mother was a bitch and took her some sour cream and a coke.

When they went to pay and the host asked how their dinner had been the Mother said, "Everything was perfect. You're lucky to work with a such a great manager. He got our order just right."

2007-02-16T23:03:00.000-07:00

At this rate I'm going to have to change this to worst customer of the month.
Though, it is actually a good thing I'm posting less often...It means that less people have been assholes to me recently. Either that or so many people are assholes, I'm just getting used to it.

Anyway, lets get on with the show kids!

For those of you who don't know, I work in a diner-style restaurant. Basically, a family-owned Denny's with good quality food. And some damned good green chili. I just wanted you to keep that in mind...

Table 7 - A young blonde woman asked me, "Excuse me, do you have San Pellegrino water?"
"No, ma'am. I'm sorry, we don't carry bottled water." *pause* "Not even Fiji?" "Nope, sorry. We do have coca-cola products and Bud on tap though." *smile*

Host Desk - "Hi ladies, two this evening?" The shorter blonde lady responds, "Yes, non-smoking please." "The whole restaurant is non-smoking, so that should be easy enough. Follow me, please." The taller blonde lady stops me, "Is it really non-smoking, it smells like cigarettes." "Yes, ma'am. Colorado passed a law that prohibits smoking in restaurants, and we've been non-smoking for about seven or eight months now. Would you like a booth?" "Can we have a waitress that doesn't smoke cigarettes then. I don't want to have to smell their smoke while I'm trying to eat." It just so happened that evening that no one there, not even the manager, was a non-smoker. "Actually, I'm not sure there is a non-smoking server here tonight...would you like me to double check?" "No, we'll just go somewhere else." And they left.

I can understand not wanting to eat in a restaurant that allows smoking and I can even understand that it can be gross when someone breeathes smoker breath on you but there's only been one time, ever that I can remember being able to smell the smoke on a server while I was a diner. And I don't cook, so I eat out a LOT.

Yeah, that's all for now. Catch up with you later.

2007-01-20T22:46:00.000-07:00

Over a month since the last update?! My bad.

Table 21

A party of six LARP players (including two elves, ears and all!) came in and took nearly five minutes to sit down (they had to figure out how the two enemy parties would be able to share a table, seriously I overheard them discussing it). When I asked about drinks, most ordered normally, but the fifth guy asked, "Have ye mead, wench?" I replied, "Sir, I understand if you're in a game, but don't call me wench. We do have beer if that's what you're referring to." "I'll just have a coke." They ordered and ate nearly without incident, though at one point the mead guy stood up and took out his "sword" (painted cardboard) and knelt beside a chubby elf and offered it to her. She declined and he took his seat. Their bill came out to $95 and I learned that though they ordered modern beverages and ate mexican food, tipping isn't allowed in their game. Yep, not even a shiny florin. Bastards.

Table 6 (most annoying table in a LONG time)

Two older black ladies sat down just as we were starting to get a little busy.
Me: "Good evening ladies, could I get you started with some drinks?"
Lady A: "Honey, we just sat ourselves down."
Lady B: "I know I want a decaf coffee."
Lady A: "You don't know what you're eating. How do you know you want a coffee?"
Lady B: "I don't need to know. Coffee goes with anything."
Lady A: "Oh, hell no it don't."
Me: "Okay, I'll get your coffee and just grab a water for you, until you decide what you'd like to eat."
Lady B: "Not coffee, decaf."
Lady A: "Oooh, girl don't try rushin me, bringing me water won't make me decide any faster."
Lady B: "DECAF."
Me: "Yes, decaf. Got it. Be right back."

I get table 7's drink order, and come back to Table 6 with the decaf and drinks for table 7 (which is my next stop)
Lady A: "We didn't order all this!"
Lady B: "This don't taste like decaf."
Me: "I assure you it's decaf, and these are for another table."
Lady A: "I thought you said you was bringing us water?"
Me: "I thought you'd said you didn't want any water, I'm sorry. I'll bring you some just after I drop these off."
Lady A: Can't you get it now? Or are they more important than we are?"
Me: "Ma'am. It's not a matter or more important, it'd just be more conveinent. It will only take a minute. I will be right back"
Lady B: "And I need some decaf coffee. This ain't decaf."

I drop off table 7's drinks and get their order. I go to the computer, put in their order, grab the pot of decaf, a clean cup, a carafe of water and make my way back to Table 6.

I pour the decaf in the new cup for Lady B. She takes a drink and says, "This tastes just like that first cup."
"Yes, ma'am, that's because the first cup was decaf. Are you ladies ready to order?" (Table 8 and Table 22 get sat)
Lady A: "Do you use real eggs?"
Me. "Yes, unless you specifically ask for egg beaters we use real eggs."
Lady A: "How 'bout your bacon?"
Me: "Absolutely real bacon." (I've never heard of artificial bacon)
Lady A: "Hmm...I don't want breakfast."
Me: "If you're not ready, I can come back in just a minute."
Lady B: "No, it's not that we're not ready, your menu is just too big."
Me: "Okay, what can I get for you?"
Lady A: "Is your green chili hot?"
Me: "I don't think it's hot, but it's definitely spicy. Want me to go grab you a sample?"
Lady B: "No, that's okay. Are these hot dogs all beef?"
Me: "Yes"
Lady B: "Oh, I don't like that. You have so much but you don't have a monte cristo?"
Me: "No, we don't. Ladies, I'm sorry, I'll be back to answer more questions in a minute, but I was just paged that I have food up. I really do have to go. I'll be right back."

(The above took nearly ten minutes...there were many, many more questions they'd asked)
I took out table 7's food, got drink orders, drinks and food orders for tables 8 and 22 then went back to Table6.

Me: "Sorry about the wait ladies. Did that give you enough time to decide on dinner?"
Five more minutes of questions...Table 21 gets sat.
Finally, just as I was going to make up any excuse to get away, they order.
Lady A gets Chicken Fried Steak, salad with Ranch, A loaded Baked Potato and lady B gets a slice of chocolate cake.

I put in their order, take food out to tables 8 and 22, drop off 7's check, drop off Table 6's salad, take 21's order, check on 8 & 22, table 7 gets sat again, I get their drinks and then I have to go back to Table 6.

Lady A: "How come you just bringing out our food when these people *points to table 22* got here after us and they already been eating for 5 minutes?"
Me: "They were ready to order sooner. Do you need anything to go with this right now?"
Lady B: "I need a menu, I think I'm going to have dinner after all."

Okay, I just really how much I've written but I think you get the point. It takes Lady B another 20 minutes to order. As soon as she does order, Lady A decideds she wants dessert, then their crazy Jamaican friend joins them, takes 20 minutes to order. Then they decide to get three dinners to go. All in all, they were there for just over two hours, they asked probably 150 questions, ordered six dinners, three desserts, two beverages, used seven silverware set-ups (that was mostly on the Jamaican guy) and tipped me $1.25.

2006-12-10T03:48:00.000-07:00

On December 2 the Rocky Mountain News ran a feature article concerning server and diner complaints regarding each other.

The Diner POV
The Server POV

My favorite diner complaint "I don't like waiters touching my napkin when I go to the restroom." How does the person know that their server has touched their napkin?

After I'd read the article, there was an older gentleman sitting alone in my section. He'd left the table to use the restroom...and I walked over, placed his bill on the table and touched his napkin. He hadn't used it (that I could tell) and I just kinda poked it, but for the rest of the night I felt as if I'd done something wonderfully subversive and gotten away with it.

Amusing moment from tonight: Table 10
Two horribly annoying women "reserved" a table in my section then sat at the bar to wait for their friend. My manager wouldn't let me give away their booth, even though they weren't sitting at it nor were they ordering anything at the bar. Effectively losing seats in my section and another servers section. But you know, we aren't there to make money or anything. Eventually their friend made it in and they all sat at Table 10.
The Nice One listened while I told her the choices that came with the sandwiches and ordered without incident.
The Bitchy One made me repeat everything I'd told the nice one, asked if I could make a Guac Burger with a chicken breast instead of a burger, rolled her eyes when i told her we actually already had that on the menu and I'd be more than happy to get it for her and ordered breakfast instead.
The Crazy One asked if we had avocados. I told her that we did. She asked if I could give her a whole one. I told her I could. Then she asked, "What would you expect me to do with a whole avocado?" I told her I wasn't quite sure, but I guessed she would eat it. She looked at me like I was crazy for saying such a thing...then she said nothing at all. I asked her if she'd like another minute with the menu and she said, "No. I was just waiting for you to take my order." I was starting to loose my patience...just a little and I replied, "I'm sorry, I can't take your order if you don't tell me what you'd like. It's been a long week and all of my psychic abilitlies are drained." I laughed when I said it and her friends laughed with me. She just stared. Then she ordered a chicken sandwich with avocado slices. Not wanting to repeat the sandwich sides a third time, I asked, "Did you want to do the fries with that?" And she asked, "What else can I get instead?" "Mashed potatoes, baked potato, cottage cheese, fresh fruit or a cup of soup." (An amended list, but covering all the basics.)

She looked me right in the eye and said, "Is your fresh fruit from a can?"
I was stunned into silence.

"No, ma'am. Our fresh fruit is. Fresh. Fruit."

When I was back in the servers line I laughed maniacally for about five minutes.
It was that funny to me.

2006-10-12T21:01:00.000-07:00

Table 66 (not my table, but story told w/permission)

Table 66 ordered hot tea (six bags), a carafe of water, a bowl of lemons and two cups with ice so that they could make thier own iced tea. A normal order of hot tea comes with two tea bags. Their server asked a manager how she should charge for this and the manager said, charge them for three hot teas. Table 66 then ordered two Ribeye and Eggs, well done steaks and over lite (super runny) eggs...and they asked for the cooks to cut their steaks for them. Let me repeat that one for you. Two healthy, grown people asked for the cooks, on a busy Sunday morning, to cut their steaks for them. They were both able to see, neither had casts on their hands.
Their server told them, "I don't think we can do that for you, but I'll check with the cooks." She rolled her eyes when they couldn't see her anymore...and told the manager what they'd just asked her...because she wanted to share the funniness. And the manager said, "Okay, I'll get the cooks to do it."
When their food came out, Table 66 complained that their steaks were over-cooked and that their eggs were too runny. When they got to the register, they complained that they were charged for three hot teas when they'd only ordered one. A different manager was up there than the manager who'd said to charge Table 66 for three teas, so she took off two off the hot teas and gave them a discount for their steaks being too tough and their eggs too runny.
Then they complained that their server had been "nothing but unhelpful. She didn't get us anything we asked her for. It was like we had to serve ourselves." I guess making up stuff about their server made them feel better for not tipping her.

I was so happy they hadn't been my table.

Today is also the one year anniversary of my bitching about being a waitress. Happy Birthday little blog!! :-)

2006-10-03T23:33:00.000-07:00

ma vie sur le patio

Table 73

A couple in their late 40's decided to have their lunch on the patio. I was their server. And This Is Their Story. We'll call them Jack and Diane since I didn't have a chance to catch their real names. They sat down and ordered their drinks and food without incident. While not overly friendly, they were pleasant enough.

Then Jack lit a cigarette. I informed him that we don't allow smoking on the patio and asked him if he'd please put it out. He asked, "Why can't I smoke out here? The smoke's not getting inside." I explained that our patio is too close to the front door and that makes it illegal to allow smoking on the patio. He took another drag of his cigarette and said, "Well, that's bullshit." I told him that, yes, it is kind of a bullshit law, but it IS THE LAW and if he continued to smoke on the patio I would have to talk to a manager and the manager would have to take action. I also told him he was welcome to hop the fence and smoke on the other side, where he'd still be able to talk to Diane. He glared at me and put his cigarette out, grinding it into the cement.

I brought their food and checked on them. They ate every last bite of everything. After I left their check on Table 74 I went to another table to take their order. Jack got up quickly leaving the check on the table. I was worried he was still angry and was going to dine-and-dash* but as I was taking an order I couldn't follow right away. When I got back into the restaurant, they were standing at the register talking with the manager. I walked up in time to hear Jack tell the manager that his food had been so horrible he couldn't eat it and his server (me) had never come back to check on him. I tried to talk to the manager at this point, but the manager decided to ignore me and instead just give Jack his meal for free and a discount on Diane's meal. And of course, like all people who get a free meal, they didn't tip.

After they'd left I told the manager that that had been the "smoking guy" and he'd eaten all of his food, as well as told me it was good when I had checked on them. The managers only response, "Oh well. Guess he pulled the wool over my eyes."

Table 71

Let me preface this story by telling you EXACTLY what we tell every table that asks to be sat on the patio. "You're more than welcome to sit on the patio...BUT. There are sometimes bees out there. Would you still like to sit on the patio?" It's much easier than every other table having to come back inside because a bee flew by their table.

After I greet the two young women at Table 71, and before I even have a chance to get their drink order, one of them asks me, "So, are you guys just trying to make sure no one sits out here? Because the girl up front told us there were bees and I don't see any bees." (It's very hard to convey the amount of attitude in this question over the internet..if you'd like to call me, I can say it like she did for ya...and you can feel the snarkiness for yourself) We'd just changed the traps or I'd have pointed out the 5,000 dead bees hanging in green canisters all around. Instead, I explained that we do have a bee problem, it's not horrible, but some people have a phobia or are allergic and it's easier to tell them about it first. They had a few margaritas and everything was fine.

As I was walking back inside (from taking Jack and Diane's order :-P) the girl who hadn't asked the question about the bees stopped me. "Um, miss. I just wanted to let you know, she (points at her friend) just got stung by a bee." I asked if they needed anything and the stung girl said she'd be fine...and they were. Normally, we don't give people free stuff if they're stung by a bee (as we have no control over the bees, and people are nearly always warned first) but I gave them a free margarita each.

Now, these girls were actually very nice about it all. Great customers, aside from the opening bit of snarkiness...but I just had to share this because I found it so beautifully ironic that a girl that thought we were trying to scare people from sitting outside with imaginary bees was then stung by a bee.

*dine-and-dash (a.k.a. chew and screw) - ducking out of a restaurant before paying for your meal

2006-09-28T21:35:00.001-07:00

Today I walked up to Table 2 and asked the woman sitting there if she was ready to order or needed a few more minutes. She said, while looking at our Mexican food page, "I could be ready if I could find your burritos on here." I pointed out the section in the middle of the page that has a heading in a 42 point font which reads "BURRITOS & A WRAP". Then she looked up at me, like I was stupid and said, "Honey, I just a want a burrito, I don't need a burrito and a wrap." I explained that it said "& A WRAP" because we have seven burritos and A wrap...

The other day I asked a table, "Do you guys need any Tabasco or Cholula?" to which the brains of the operation replied, "No...but do you think we can get some of that red hot sauce?"

I get this one All The Time. "Can I get you folks something to drink? Water, coffee, iced tea?" "No, we don't need anything to drink. Just water." Water IS a drink people!!

"Can I have cold iced tea?" I still don't know which other restaurants serve hot iced tea...but people seem to like that ours is cold.

On our menu we have a Bowl of Oatmeal, Cream of Wheat or Grits listed. Right beneath the listing it reads, Served Mon-Fri 6 am to 11 am; Sat & Sun 6 am to 1 pm. At least twice a week, someone asks for oatmeal after 5 pm...more often than not pointing to item on the menu and then is shocked when I tell them we don't serve it after 11 am during the week.

Think that's enough for now? No? Okay, one more.

A while back a young man was sitting alone at Table 3 and ordered a red chili burger. I asked how he wanted it cooked and if he wanted fries with his burger. He told me well done and yes, he'd like fries.
When I brought his burger he looked up at me and said, "I'm sorry, I think you have the wrong order. I ordered a chili burger."
"Yes, sir. This is our burger with chili on it, which we generally call the chili burger."
"No, in your menu it says that it's a bowl of chili with a burger, cheese and onions."
(What it actually says is "Smothered in red chili with American and diced onions. Served with a side of red chili, too." I'd also like to point out it's listed in the middle of the BURGER section of the menu...with all the other BURGERS.)
I ended up taking it back to the cooks and asking them to just put the patty in a bowl of chili and he was happy.
Still, it was one of the oddest misunderstandings I've ever had to deal with.

2006-09-07T21:55:00.000-07:00

Table 64

Sunday mornings are always fun at the restaurant. Servers are running their asses off, cooks are slinging food into the window as fast as they can, hosts are seating tables faster than the bussers can clean them, we have a 45 minute wait...and customers wonder why it's taking more than four minutes for their well done steaks to come up. It's awesome...but this table wasn't quite one of "those tables".

I went to Table 64 to say hello and get their drink order. The Mom orders a screwdriver, Grandma gets a coffee, and the little girls order chocolate milk. I asked The Dad what he wanted and he said, "I need you to make me a Bloody Mary, but not with that crap mix you use. That stuff's disgusting. I need you to make it from scratch." "Okay sir, I can have our bartender make you one without the mix. Do you like it spicy?" "Yeah, I like it just the way you guys make the mix but you can't use the mix." "...Okay. I'll be right back." "Miss, I just want to make sure you heard me. Don't use the mix." "Yes. Sir. I did hear you and I'll have someone make that for you right away." So, I get another server to make it (since my manager who is supposed to be helping bartend is watching college football and too busy with that to help me) and I told her to make it like we do the mix, but don't use the mix. She looked at me like I was crazy...then with sympathy realizing I just had a crazy table.

I bring out the drinks, he *looks* at his Bloody Mary and says, "You used the mix didn't you?" "No sir, I didn't. I had our bartender make it for you from scratch. Would you like to go ahead and taste it and then you can tell me if you need something added to it?" He sips and says, "It tastes like you used the mix." "Sir, I assure you, we did not use the mix. Because you asked for it just like we make the mix, I can see how it would taste similar, but it was made from scratch. Did you want me to have them make you another one?" He didn't look at me or make eye contact. His wife said, "It'll be okay. If it's not we'll just go get another from the bar." I took their order for food and walked away.

I came back once before their food was ready to get them refills. The little girls both needed more milk. I explained that the milk didn't have free refills but I'd get them more if it was okay with The Mom and The Dad. The Mom said that was fine.

I brought out their food and everything but the syrup for one of the little girls pancakes. After I put down the food I asked, "Does anyone need anything else? Tabasco, Cholula...I'll get syrup for the pancakes, but anything else right now? *pause* Okay, I'll be..." "Excuse me." "Yes, sir?" "Did you just interrupt me?" "I'm sorry?" "I was going to ask you something and you started talking right over me." "I hadn't realized I was talking over you, I'm sorry. What can I get for you?" "Do you know that I know the owners of this restaurant?" "Um. No, I didn't know that. Is there something else you need right now?" The Mom interrupts, "Will you please stop being so rude and interrupting every single time my husband tries to say something? We're trying to have a nice family breakfast and you're being nothing but rude at every turn!" I didn't even respond. Then The Dad said, "I don't see how the owners let such a snobby bitch like you wait tables on a Sunday morning when families are trying to have breakfast. I'm going to tell the owners about your rude service." I turned and walked away.

Before they left, I made a copy of their receipt, circled my name, wrote down the owners schedule at our restaurant and the number to our downtown restaurant and told him to make sure to tell the owner about our crappy Bloody Mary mix too.

They were walking past me to leave while I was putting in an order and I heard The Mom say, "On top of everything that little bitch charged us for the girls drinks when they're supposed to come with the meal."

They didn't leave me a tip, but the GM said that she talked to the owner while they were finishing breakfast and it was agreed that for calling me a bitch, The Dad would be 86'd from both restaurants. The Owner said he'll tell him when he calls to complain. The Dad hadn't realized that I know the owners, too.

2006-07-30T23:41:00.000-07:00

Table 7

They seemed entirely unremarkable. A young woman, a young man and a small baby in a carrier. The baby slept in the carrier in the booth all through their dinner. The young woman ordered a you-choose-two Mexican combo plate...and ordered a third item that was listed underneath the regularly included choices in a section that says, "These choices available for an extra $ .55 cents". Knowing this has caused confusion in the past, I told her, "I'm happy to get that for you, but I just want to make sure you understand, that will be considered a you-choose-three with an extra .55 cent charge." For just one second, she looked irritated. "Yes, I read about the extra .55 cents. That's what I'd like." And she smiled. I figured we were at an understanding. I placed their order, brought out their appetizer, checked on them and got them refills, brought out their dinners, checked on them, offered refills, checked and did my little dessert tempting thing. I was at their table often enough, if I'd sat down I could've been having dinner with them. Everytime I had checked on them, they'd said the food was "perfect".

Then I dropped off their check.

I'm near the register, about half way across the restaurant from Table 7, and the young woman starts waving the check in the air and shouting, "MISS, COME HERE" which woke her baby, who started to wail at the top of its lungs. After a minute of pretending to be busy at the register (I had to give her time to take in all the dirty looks the near-by tables were giving her) I went to Table 7 and asked if there was a problem. "There most definitely is. I ordered a you-choose-two and you charged me for a you-choose-three. PLUS .55 cents." I looked at her for just a second, trying to will her to remember the conversation we'd had 30 minutes ago concerning this very topic. "Yes, ma'am. As I'd explained when you ordered, by getting the mini steak fajita burrito as well as your other options, you were ordering a you-choose-three, since you did get three items, one of which has an additional .55 cent charge." "Well, it wasn't even good." She pointed to her nearly empty plate then to her husband, "He had to finish it for me...*pause*...and the calamari was like rubber...*pause*...and I'm sure the margarita was watered down." "I'm sorry, if you'd told me any of this while you were eating, I'd've been happy to fix it for you. Since there's nothing *I* can do for I'll be happy to get the manager to come over and we'll see if there's anything that he can do for you."

I started to walk away, and she said, "No, I don't want to talk to your manager. I'll just pay for your mistake and never eat here again." She smiled smugly, her husband shook his head and the baby who'd been quietly crying for about five minutes started to wail again.

I told my manager about the exchange and asked that he take their check and try to calm her down. (I really don't need someone leaving angry and e-mailing the owners of the restaurant with exaggerated complaints, which has been happening quite often lately...though not directed at me, yet)

He listened to her complain how her food had been terrible and asked her, "Did you tell your server that you weren't enjoying your food?" "No." "Well, I'm sorry, she could've brought you something else but now that you're done the most we can do is take off 10%." "If you really were sorry, you'd just take it off entirely, but I guess if there's *nothing* else you can do, I'll take it."
And he did give her 10% off.

After she paid she walked back to Table 7 and put two shiny quarters down.
Luckily for me, while she was trying to get free food, her husband slipped me $8 and a piece of paper that said, "Sorry. It's the baby." Which, while sad, is still no excuse for such rudeness.

2006-07-29T22:44:00.000-07:00

Tables 52 & 53

Here's another classic that I never got around to putting up...

There was a party of 8 that came in around lunchtime on a Sunday afternoon, one of the restaurants busiest times of the week, and expected to be sat immediately. People who'd been waiting patiently, and had had their names on the list before our party of eight, were called and sat. And after every table that was sat, the Matron would come up to the hostess and ask why they weren't getting a table ready for them yet. It was repeatedly explained, that they had to wait. When, finally, their name was called they were sat in two booths, since there were no table to put together at the moment. The Matron complained that the booth was uncomfortable and she was "sinking" into it (which was most likely caused by her gigantically fat ass) but when asked if they'd rather continue waiting for a table, they declined. Which meant I was stuck with them.

The party was made up of six kids (ranging from about two years old to about 15) and two adults. The Matron ordered waters for all of the kids and a Coke for her and water for her...husband? Not one of the kids looked remotely like either of them. Before ordering, The Matron asked if the kids meals came with a free drink (like it says on the menu) I told her they did...and then she let the kids have milk. I told her I could do kids meals for the little kids but the older kids, if getting a kids meal had to purchase a full priced drink. (It's the restaurants policy) Then she told me, none of her kids were over 11.
I have to say, that's the first time I've met a 5'7 eleven year old wearing a JV soccer jersey.
I wasn't about to sit around arguing with her...so I went ahead and put five of the kids down for kids meals. There was a little blonde girl (about six?) sitting at the parents table who ordered a dozen buffalo wings and onion rings appetizer. Each of the parents ordered steak and eggs.

Remember now, it's Sunday brunch time. Five minutes after I put in their order, the Matron came up to the front of the restaurant and said Very Loudly, "Those kids are so hungry back there, they're eating jellies. How much longer are you going to make us wait for our food?!?" I told her that it was a busy time of day and it was going to take some time. There were other orders ahead of theirs, but as soon as it was ready I would bring it out. That just pissed her off. It seems her order should be cooked before anyone elses, no matter how long and patiently others had been waiting. A manager talked to her and said, exactly what I did...which while not calming her much, did get her to go back to her table. Though once she was back, she yelled at the kids (four of which were sitting at a different booth with no adult) across the booths, threw creamer at them and yelled, "Shut your mouths." "Can't you be quiet?". I had to have a manager come back and ask her to stop yelling and throwing things at her children.

After I'd brought out their food, the Matron complained that her husbands eggs were too dry. After he'd eaten them, and I'd already checked on them once and no one had mentioned it. I talked to the manager, and he said, "Just get him some new eggs". So I did. When I brought them, she complained that her steak was overcooked and she couldn't eat it...there were about four bites left from the 10 oz. Ribeye I'd brought her. Again, I talked to my manager, this time he said, "Hell no, we're not making her a new steak. Give her this $2 off coupon for next time." I explained to her, since she'd already eaten most of her steak there was nothing I could do for her (which totally contradicted the whole egg situation) other than giving her the coupon. I brought boxes for the little girl with the wings and onion rings and gave them their check.

The Matron asked why I hadn't discounted the little girls buffalo wings. I stopped because I had no answer and didn't want to just ask, "Why would I?" which gave her time to tell me, "She's a little girl you can't charge her full price. She didn't even eat all of it." I told her that she'd ordered off of the adult menu, the price clearly stated next to the item ordered and they were taking the left-overs home. There was no reason for a discount. Then she asked why I'd charged them for a kids drink if the kids got free drinks with their meals. I explained to her that a free drink for kids comes with a "kids meal" not any meal a kid orders. Since the little girl had ordered off of the regular menu, I had to charge her for her drink. (Plus, since these people were horribly rude I was going to charge them for everything I could) She took it upon herself to talk to the manager about the ticket. They backed me up and didn't take off the kids drink or discount buffalo wings.
Then the Matron asked I could split the tickets so each adult had three kids on their ticket.
I did.
When I dropped off the new checks, as I walked away, The Matron told her husband, "There menu says 'gratuity may be added to parties of five or more' and hell if I'm going to have them add a gratuity."

They took up two tables for almost two hours, complained about everything, had me running getting refills for the kids and the parents, bothering nearby customers (some of whom even moved to other tables to get away) and they left me a $1.50 tip.

2006-05-27T02:09:00.000-07:00

This is an old one...before the days when I had a blog to vent.

Table 7 (or somewhere over there by the windows; like I said, it's an old story)

A young couple in their early 20's were having a late breakfast. The girl ordered a vegetarian burrito with vegetarian green chili. The young man then ordered,*
"I'd like the two egg breakfast."
"How'd you like your eggs?"
"Scrambled"
"Homefries and toast, french toast, pancakes or biscuits and gravy?"
"Does your gravy have pork in it?"
"Yes, sir. It does have sausage in it."
*makes face* "Pancakes."
"Okay, would you like any meat with that?"
"What kind of meat?"
"Bacon, ham, sausage links or patties."
"Do you have anything that isn't pork?"
"We do, we also have..."
"Because I don't eat pork."
"Okay...well you could have...."
"I'd rather not go to hell."
"Well sir, you don't have to eat anything with pork in it...like I was trying to say, we do have other meats."
"I'm muslim. I believe seriously that if you eat pork you will go to hell. Do you eat pork?"
"Yes sir, but I'm not muslim."
"That doesn't matter you're going to hell in my eyes."
"I'll take that to mean you'd rather not do meat with your eggs?"

His pancakes were grilled on the same grill as other peoples sausage and bacon...I wonder if by not telling him this I damned him to an enternity of hellfire?

I sure hope so.

*I've tried to recreate the conversation as faithfully as possible, but a word or two may be off.

2006-05-11T21:36:00.000-07:00

Table 43

I deliver a young couple their food. After I put it down and ask if they need anything else, the guy asks if he can see my wrist (I have a tattoo there...so it wasn't all that weird) and I hold it out to him so he can take a better look. He asks the standard questions about font and where I got it done that I get from everyone. Then he says, "That is by far the sweetest fucking tattoo I've seen in a long time. Simple, but awesome." I tell him thanks and tell them both to enjoy their meal and I'll be back to check on them in a little while.

As I'm walking away I can hear the girl saying, "I can't believe you were flirting with her in front of me...and how is her tattoo better than mine? I have way better tattoos than her..." She kept saying stuff, but I was out of earshot, so I missed the rest.

I came back after a few minutes to check in on them, the guy wouldn't look at me or answer when I asked if everything was okay and if they needed anything else. The girl asked for more soda, though hers was more than halfway full. When I brought that, she asked for Tabasco. When I brought that she needed more napkins. When I brought those she'd dropped her fork on the floor and needed a new one. I had someone else take it to her and didn't go back to the table until they were both obviously done eating to take them their check. It came to $19.85 and the girl handed me a twenty and said, "Keep the change...for your next tattoo."

The guy had forgotten his sunglasses and ran back in a couple minutes after they'd left and gave me a ten and apologized for his girlfriend being a bitch. I thought it was hilarious.

2006-04-29T23:08:00.000-07:00

Table 210

This story starts long before I started working a The Restaurant. Table 210 (who we'll call Hank, since that's his name) had been 86'd* before...for spitting on the floor. Yeah, why they let him back in I'll never know. He'd started coming in again about three months ago, he complained about every server in the restaurant, about the food, the prices, the management, etc. Then one day, he sat in my section and decided that I was the perfect server. From then on, he wouldn't sit in anyone elses section. He was actually upset when I took a week off. When I came back, he asked for an explantion to why I hadn't told him I'd be gone. (He's kinda crazy.)

Enough back story, lets jump to the fun stuff.

Last Saturday, Hank came in about 2:30 and sat at the bar. He ordered his usual; a beer, a rum and coke and some green chili. About 10 minutes into eating his chili, he flags me down.

"Look at this! There's a chunk of plastic in my chili! I was taking a bite and I bit into this...this plastic. It's a good thing I have my own teeth...because I was chewing on plastic!"

I look at what he's holding up to me and it's very distinctly an onion peel. Granted, it still shouldn't have been in his chili, but it's not plastic. So I say, "That looks like an onion peel to me. I'm sorry that was in there. Would you like me to get you a new bowl of chili?"

He looks at me as if I've asked, 'Would you like another bowl of warm vomit?'. "I don't even have an appetite anymore. I won't be able to eat all day. Can you blame me? There was plastic in my damn chili! Fucking Plastic! It's a good thing I have my own teeth. I was chewing on fucking plastic. I shouldn't have to pay for this."

"I'll take it off the bill, Hank. You won't pay for it."

"I shouldn't have to pay for it." "You won't, I'll take it off." "I should not have to pay for chili that has plastic in it. I've lost my appetite. Can you blame me? There was fucking plastic in my chili. Can you blame me for not wanting to eat? I lost my appetite for the whole day. I won't eat again. It's a good thing I have my own teeth. Fucking plastic in the god damn green chili!"

Did I mention that he was getting progressively louder during this madness and was nearly shouting when he said, "Fucking plastic in my god damn green chili!"?

I went over to explaing to my manager what was going on, showed her the "plastic" in question...which before I said a word about my theory on what the "plastic" really was said, "That's not plastic. That's an onion peel." While this was going on Hank found another manager and was complaining to him. Manager Two came over to Manager One and myself and related that Hank now wanted his drinks free as well. Manager One said, "Hell, no. He drank them, he can pay for them. Go take him the ticket." I asked Manager One if she'd rather deal with it since he was so upset...to which she replied, "You can handle it." Awesome.

I go over to Hank, who is now more upset after finding out he still has to pay for his drinks, and begins anew. "I should sue. This is no way to run a business. Charging people after they find Fucking Plastic in their green chili. If I didn't have my own teeth I could've died. I was fucking chewing on plastic. I should FUCKING SUE THIS RESTAURANT! I could. And could you blame me if I did? Could you blame me? I was chewing on plastic. It's a good thing I have my own teeth. I won't eat again all day. I'm so sick that I was chewing on FUCKING plastic that I've lost my appettite. Can you blame me? I mean, I was chewing on plastic. That SHIT, that...that, FUCKING PLASTIC was in my chili. I should go home and call my lawyer."
Manager One makes her way over, apparently the expletives being shouted across the restaurant were enough to distract her from her American Idol conversation.
"Hank, I'm going to have to ask you to lower your voice, pay for your check and leave. We've taken the chili off but you have to pay for the drinks. You drank them."
"This is no way to run a business. There was fucking plastic in my chili. I'm never coming back here again. I could sue you and could you blame me? I was chewing on fucking plastic."
"It wasn't plastic. It was an onion peel." Manager One walks away. Hank pays and right before he walks out the door, he turns and comes back.
He walks up to me, hands me a dollar and says, "I'm never coming in this fucking restaurant again. This is no way to run a business. I'll never come in here again. Never." He waits, I think waiting for me to be upset or something. But really I'm not upset at all...quite relived to hear this news actually, so I tell him, "Hank, I'm really sorry there was an onion peel in your chili but I'm not going to miss you." I did try to hand him back his dollar, but he didn't take it.

I really hope that was his last visit.

*86'd No longer allowed(in an area or premisis).

2006-03-07T00:16:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile...lets jump right in.

Friday, Table 10

A party of four middle aged (45-ish) folks stopped by to have some dinner. First, I offered them drinks...they all ordered something different, but nothing terribly complicated (a bloody mary, a house margarita, an electric lemonade and a peach cooler) as I was walking away I overheard one of the guys say, "We should've made her write that down. You know she's going to fuck them all up." And right then, I knew this was only going to get better.

I made their drinks and got them back to them in a timely fashion and they weren't ready to order yet, so I wandered off and did some other fun waitressy stuff and when I get back to the dining room 80's Hair Guy (think Ted McGinley, Married with Children) from my table is talking to my manager/bartender who is making a new bloody mary for him. I walk over to the table when he gets back and ask if there'd been a problem. (I mean, obviously there had been but I like to know what the problem was and apologize properly if it was my fault or make sure the customer knows why it happened...it makes me feel better) 80's Hair says, "Yeah, in that bloody mary you made the celery was moldy and it was disgusting. But your manager took care of it for me." "O-kay. Sorry about that, I hadn't noticed mold but glad it's all taken care of now. Are you guys ready to order?"
They order and just to prove to them how very cool I am, I write nothing down. I walk away to make their salads and in the two minutes it takes for me to get back, 80's Hair is back at the bar talking to my manager. I drop off the salads and go check with the manager to see what his deal was this time. He said that when he told me about the moldy celery, I called him a liar and pointed out that he was going to have to pay for it anyway. I started to tell the manager that no such conversation had happened and he told me not to worry, he'd seen the celery, he knew the guy was full of it. So, we left it at that.

I bring out their food, everyone seems quite pleased. I'd made no mistakes and couldn't help but smirk at 80's Hair Guy. (I'd since decided he made the first rude comment, considering he'd been the only one starting any trouble.) I come back to check on them, for the second time, about 15 minutes into their meal to suggest dessert and clear plates...and 80's Hair Guy says, "Well, the steak is excellent. Really above par. Far more than I would've expected from this restaurant. But. Oh, nevermind. Wait. I really should tell you. But. No, don't worry about anything. It's all fine." Now, as curious as this is making me I have a new table and I really would just love it if he'd stop blabbering, "Sir, if something is wrong, tell me. I'll do my best to fix it, but I can't do anything if you don't say anything."

"I've picked six hairs out of my mashed potatoes. Everytime I took a bite there was another hair in my mouth. I threw them on the floor so I can't show them to you. Can you bring me new mashed potatoes?" And he hands me a plate with maybe three bites of potatoes left. I get him new potatoes and tell my manager about the six invisible hairs. My manager replied, "Fuck that weirdo. Don't give him no discounts. He's trying to get free shit. He better go to Wendy's and cut off his finger. *maniacal laughter*" Yeah, and the customer's the weirdo.

Anyway. After I dropped off their check, 80's Hair Guy comes up to me and says, "Excuse me, my meal's still on the ticket." "Yes, sir. I talked to my manager and since we replaced the food considering how much you'd already eaten, he felt a discount wasn't warranted. Have a great night."

After they'd left, the manager came over and said that 80's Hair Guy had threatened to call the Health Department for the moldy celery and the hair in his potatoes if his meal and drink weren't removed from the bill.

2006-02-12T01:08:00.000-07:00

Table 44

I'm not sure how far these people had to walk from their trailer park to get to get to the restaurant, but I sure hope next time they make the trek they find somewhere else to stop and eat.

As soon as they sat down, all four of them (yes, including the 13 year old girl) lit up their Camel unfiltered cigarettes. They smoked while they ordered and while they ate. It was all really gross to me.

But let's start a little before the puff-puff-take a bite portion of the meal. I walk up to the table and ask if they'd like to start with something to drink. "Well, hell yeah little missy, I say we'd like some drinks." "Okay...what can I get for you?" "Drinks, isn't that what you said you were going to get us?" *all laugh* *I stand there waiting for someone to actually order something, no one does* "Okay, well, if you're not ready I'll just get you some water." and I start to walk away, because seriously, I have no patience. The lady says, "Ignore them. I'll have a coke" The 13-year old chain smoker says, "I'll have Mountain Dew." I tell her we don't have Mountain Dew and she starts crying. Crying, over no Mountain Dew. The Lady says, "Just bring her a Sprite. That'll be okay" The little girl lights another cigarette and wipes her eyes. The guy on the left says, "I wanna beer." I ask what kind of beer. "The only kind of beer there should be. A cold one." I tell him what we have on tap...and he says, "Honey, if it's cold that's all I care about. Bring this son-of-a-bitch one, too." (the son-of-a-bitch being the guy on the right).

I start to walk away to get their drinks and guy on the left says, "Hold on, Missy. Ain't cha gonna take our order? We ain't here for our health ya know. We want some food, dammit." I come back and take their order which is all the same thing, "We need four of them roast beefs on bread. With smashed taters and so much gravy if my head fell into the plate I'd drown. Ya got that? Enough gravy to drown me in." Seriously, that's exactly what he said.

I bring out the drinks and hand the ladies straws for their soft drinks. Guy on the Right says, "Hows about some straws for our beers? We ain't good enough for straws? hahaha" I don't laugh, instead, I just walk away...and as I do Guy on the Left says, "Too bad she ain't got no damn sense of humor. I hate them stuck-up Mexicans think they're smart 'cause they know English."

I just ignored him.

When I brough out their food, the Guy on the Right says to the 13 year old chainsmoker, "And you better eat every fuckin' bite of that too. Ya hear me, every last fuckin' bite."

I come back half-way through their meal to see if they're okay...and they're having a burping contest.

I come back to drop off their check...and the young girl isn't done eating...she's the only one. I offer to take their plates and the Guy on the Right says to the young girl, "Are you eatin' anymore?" She starts crying again, and says, "I can't." The Lady tells me, "Just leave the plate, she'll finish it." So, I walk away...and from the bar I watch as the guy gets food on a fork and tries to make the young girl eat it, dropping it on her clothes and smearing gravy all over her face. I asked my manager to go over there and talk to them, and all he said is, "It's family business. I'm just gonna stay out of it. Just don't look if it bothers you."

And I'm really sad to say, that's what I did. I ignored it...but I didn't know what to say to them, they scared me a little. Though, I should've taken a chance to tell them off...considering they left a fifty cent tip.

2006-01-21T23:27:00.000-07:00

Table 11

Tonight was "Open-Mike Night". Which means people come in, hang out in the back room, sing and get drunk. It's a pretty good time. The whole point of my mentioning that is, the open-mic people were singing Secret Agent Man. Which is wonderfully fun song to sing. And I was singing it as I brought Table 11 their drinks.

I stopped singing, put their drinks down and was just opening my mouth to ask if they were ready to order when the girl said to me, "Whenever you're done singing I'd like a chocolate milkshake."

I really wanted to spit in her shake. Bitch.

2006-01-14T22:27:00.000-07:00

Table 44

When I asked them what they wanted to drink, she replied, "Vater, vith ice. Lemon on ze side. Not. On ze rim. On. Ze. Side." Okay...
When I came back, I asked if they were ready to order and she said, "First I have question. You have turkey burger?" I replied, "No, but we do have a black-bean patty that you can substitute at no extra charge." "So, all you have iz meat?" "No, like I said, while we don't have a turkey burger, but we do have the vegetarian black-bean patty." " ' like you said' Tha'z not vat I asked. Get for me, the pork sandvich. He'll have chicken club. And two salads, a light dressing. On. The. Zide."
I bring the salads, with dressing on the side to the table and she says, "Vy, ven you are not busy does it take almost three minutes for just a salad? I'm practically starved."
When I bring out their food, she laughed. Literally, laughed. "Oh, such plate presentation. Colorado iz so quaint."

It took all of my strength not to hit that bitch. Maybe I was over-sensitive or something, but she really pissed me off.

2006-01-13T01:54:00.000-07:00

I must have been very annoying in a past life...because I have the most annoying customers ever.

Table 41.

Two guys are eating, drinking iced tea and water...I'm kinda busy, so I'm not right there when they needed refills. I'm taking out food (Table 41 is by the window kinda) and the guys see me, with my hands full, and decide that's just the right time to YELL (though I'm about seven feet away) "EXCUSE ME, MISS?! MISS?!" *starts waving hands* "Yes, sir, what can I do for you?" "GET ME MORE TEA!" I hold the food up in his direction, "In a minute, I'll be right back." I drop off the food, pick up an iced tea pitcher and go over to Table 41. Yelling Guy says, "I was waving my hands trying to get your attention for ten minutes. I even whistled." I'd heard him whistle, and ignored it because I'm a waitress, not his fucking dog. "I'm sorry sir, I must have missed it while I was helping other customers. And just for future reference, when I'm standing right there, a simple 'excuse me' will work as well as shouting to get my attention." I started to walk away and his friend stops me by saying, "Stop." I turn and ask what I can do for him. In response, he holds up his water glass. I ask again, "Is there something I can do for you sir?" And he says nothing. Instead, he shakes his empty water glass. "Would you like some more water?" I finally ask. "Yeah." I wanted to tell him "When grown-ups want something they ask for it, they don't just point."...but I controlled myself for once.

Next...

Table 21
A young couple...very Abercrombie & Fitch, very cutesy, sit down and seem so nice. Then she asks for a new soda because the one I brought her is "too cold". I get her one with less ice. Then she wants a small cup with ice, because she likes a lot of ice in her soda. Yeah. Whatever. They both do the low-carb thing (no bread, cottage cheese instead of a potato) and then when I bring their food, he asks for a side of fries. When I bring those out she asks for a new soda because hers is "all watered down from all the ice". When I bring the soda, she asks if I could put her cottage cheese in a freezer until she's done with her burger because she likes her cottage cheese, "frosty cold". The beer cooler is close by, so I actually do it. Then she asks for new lettuce because hers is "all hot and yucky"...the hot tomato is okay though.

She was seriously obsessed with temperature. It was weird.

There were two more annoying tables I was going to share, but it seems I've worn myself out, yet again.

Until next time.

2006-01-09T22:23:00.000-07:00

Okay, we have some catching up to do...

We'll start off with The Regulars.

These people come into the restaurant about twice a week. They're very friendly, tip well and almost always have a decently funny joke to share. The Wife has a relatively complicated order, lots of no this, no that, extra this, light that going on...and on occasion, it gets messed up. Either by the server or the cooks. This week, it was my fault. When I brought the fixed item to them and apologized for my mistake, The Husband said, "I'm sure it wasn't really your fault. Those damned cooks can't speak a word of English. You should tell them the next time they mess up you'll call immigration. That'll get them to pay a little more attention." I dropped off their check right then and never went back to the table.

Next, we have Elderly Black Ladies.

The first lady asked for sweet tea. I told her, "I'm sorry, we don't have sweet tea, just regular iced tea, would you like that?" to which she replied, "Ooohhhh, child. I'm going to have to look to find something to drink." The second lady asked for sweet tea. I told her again, that we don't have sweet tea and asked if she'd like something else instead, to which she replied, "Well, if you don't have sweet tea, then I don't want anything." I offered her water and she said, "Child, what part of 'I don't want anything' did you miss?". I ignored it, and asked the third lady what she'd like to drink...yeah, she ordered Sweet Tea. I repeated myself for the third time, she ordered a root beer and the first lady ended up ordering one as well. When I came back to take their order both needed refills on their sodas because they'd given the second lady half of each of theirs so she'd have something to drink...I filled both of their sodas and told the second lady that I was going to have to charge her if she was going to have a soda. She clucked her tongue at me and rolled her eyes, "Child, do you what you got to do." Then the first lady tried to order fried chicken, I told her we don't have fried chicken. She ended up ordering lamb chops. After I was done taking the other two orders (which took nearly ten minutes in total, between telling them we don't have rolls or corn bread, I can't have the cooks take the breading off the fish and chips, we don't have asparagus, we don't serve grits after 11 am...etc) the first lady said, "Now don't tell me you don't have mint jelly to go with my lamb chops. I'll walk right out that door." "No, actually, we don't have mint jelly. Would you like me to get your coat?" All three of them laughed so hard, which was good. Everything else went fine...until after they'd left. On the table where each had been sitting was one quarter. Yes, folks, a seventy-five cent tip. Huzzah.

I did have more for you, but that last one was way longer than I expected, so I'll stop there.

Happy New Year.

2005-12-24T02:01:00.000-07:00

Table 35

I was sitting, smoking and talking with a Regular customer while we were absurdly slow...and there was another customer (Table 35) very near us, listening in, apparently.

After talking about books, movies and the origins of Christmas the Regular left and I went about my business. After a while, I checked on Table 35, though he wasn't my customer, simply because I was bored. As I was walking away, he stopped me to say, "I'm sorry, I couldn't help overhearing you talking to that guy over there, and I just wanted to tell you that you're very well-spoken, and seem quite intelligent."

I paused, not entirely sure how to respond, but I said thank you and had started to walk away when he said, "Can I ask you a question?". I said yes and he continued, "Like I said, you seem to be so intelligent, how can you stand being just a waitress? Don't you want to do something with your life?"

I was dumbstruck. Entirely. After a full 30-second pause, I told him, "I'm doing many things with my life right now, one of which happens to be working in a restaurant. And while you may not consider that fulfilling, I'm very happy with my life. It's very sad to me that you would judge a person on so little information. I can't imagine, if you talk to everyone you meet the way you've spoken to me, you make very many new friends. I hope you have a happy holiday, even if you do end up spending it alone. Thanks for coming in."

And I walked away.

He stayed around for about five minutes, paid for his coffee and left.

Condescending Prick.

*I would like to point out that I realize that I jumped to a quick judgement of his character with very little information less than a second after I criticized him for the very same thing, but...I feel justified in having doing so...I just wanted to make sure you know that I knew that I'd done that...Okay. That's enough justification for one post.

2005-12-17T23:08:00.000-07:00

Table 5

They were weird from the very beginning. The two of them walked in the door, the mom was crying and her son (about 25-ish) asked for a table very calmly and paid no attention to the crying woman standing next to him. I sat them and asked the woman if she needed water or a tissue, or if there was anything I could do for her. Her son answered me, "My mom's just had a really bad day. All she needs right now is some coffee. And I want a large chocolate milk. Can you put extra chocolate syrup in that for me?" Which is fine, I hadn't wanted to pry, I'm just the kind of person that gets concerned when people are crying around me...anyway.

It took 40 minutes for them to decide on something to eat. During that time, they didn't talk to each other at all. They just read the menu and drank their beverages.

When I brought their food, the mom was shaking. Not like from the cold, but like she was having some wicked DT tremors. I gave her more coffee and he had two more glasses of chocolate milk.

Neither of them touched their food. They didn't want boxes, but he got a slice of chocolate cake (with extra chocolate syrup on top) to go.

When I dropped off their cake and check, I said, "Thanks for coming in guys. I hope tomorrow's a better day. Have a happy holiday.", and started to walk away. I heard the mom behind me, "I hate that PC bullshit, 'happy holidays' just say 'merry fucking christmas'." I ignored her and kept walking. A couple of minutes later, I was putting in another order at the computer, and she came up behind me and asked, "Earlier, you said 'happy holidays', are you not a Christian?" I replied, "My religion has absolutely nothing to do with bringing you your food, I just hope you have a nice Christmas and New Year. That's two holidays, so I just abbreviate it, saves me time." I tried to make it sound light...I'm not terrible comfortable talking to strangers about religion.

She took my wrist in her hand, and was looking at me very searchingly...it was all too weird, so I told her that I was busy and had to go, again thanked her for coming in and wished her a good evening. This time, as I was walking away, she said, "Please God, have mercy on that lost little girls soul."

Fucking weird.

2005-12-09T23:19:00.000-07:00

This is not my story; but it's being told with permission.

Table 6

Most people leave a tip for their server on the table. I've always found it odd when people seem worried enough about their tip to make sure to hand it to their server directly. Tonight, I realized why that could be important. There was $7 sitting on Table 6 between the ketchup bottles; the host sat a young woman at Table 6, left to get her a carafe of water and when he came back to give it to her, he saw her count the money, take the five out, unzip her purse and stuff it in. He went up to her gave her the water and said, "Excuse, there was $7 on this table, what happened to the rest?" (I was standing near him and heard this exchange) "Oh. I was trading the five for some ones." She unzips her purse and pulls out four ones and four quarters, tosses them on the table and says, "Are you trying to accuse me of something?" Then he told her, "Well, I saw you put it in your purse and I just wasn't sure....I just wanted to make sure the server got her money." The woman stood up, grabbed her purse and nearly screamed, "You were watching me?! How dare you just stand there and watch someone without their knowledge. Are you some kind of pervert?! I'm not hungry anymore." And she left.

It was really weird.

2005-12-03T04:42:00.000-07:00

This story isn't quite my usual style, but hopefully you'll still find it amusing.

We serve Heinz Malt Vinegar with our fish & chips. ^ This is what the bottle looks like.

Both guests at Table 12 had ordered the fish and chips. After I brought their food, I took a bottle of malt vinegar out of my apron and placed it on the table.

The woman says, "I didn't order any beer." Which makes me smile because it's funny to me, and I tell her, "That's not beer, that's malt vinegar..." (I was about to follow up with, "it's for your fish and chips." but she cut me off with...) "I don't care if it's not considered 'beer' because it's malt liquor, I didn't order it. And I don't want it on the bill." It takes considerable strength for me to hold back a giggle, but I pick up the bottle and show her the word VINEGAR and explain it's for her food and we don't charge for it, so she shouldn't have to worry about her bill.

It was all very funny.

Looking back on it later, I couldn't help but wonder if this woman has had previous experience with waitresses who carry beer in their aprons. And that just made it funnier for me.

2005-11-28T22:35:00.000-07:00

Not all bad customers are adults...

Table 24

I walk up to a young couple and their three year old child. I ask if they'd like something to drink and the little girl says, "YOU DRINK PEE!!!". Her mom doesn't even acknowledge it and orders a milk for the tiny monster. I come back to take their order and the mom says to the little girl, "Now tell the lady what you want to eat." Which is always great, because kids take 10 minutes to order a hot dog. The little girl says, "I want a pony!!" To which I reply, "A little thing like you couldn't eat a whole pony. Silly girl. Did you want a cheeseburger?" The mom looks at me all evily, "She can order for herself." So, I stand their waiting while the little darling tries to stick a crayon up her nose and her mom coos "C'mon honey, tell the nice lady what you want to eat." Instead of ordering the little girl bangs her spoon on the table, throws her crayons at the busser, picks her nose. I ask the dad what he'd like to eat, while this is going on, and before he even opens his mouth, the mom says, "I would appreciate it if you would stop trying to rush my little girl and let her order." To which I reply, "I'm sure that couple [pointing to another table waiting quietly with their menus closed in the universal symbol of "ready to order"] would appreciate it if you would just order for your daughter so they can order as well. I'm sure she's capable, but right now she seems distracted, so maybe you can help her out a little bit."

Okay, I admit, it wasn't the nicest way to have handled that, but seriously, I was there for like six minutes and I had two other new tables to get to, I'd already offered to come back, tried to take the dad's order...I felt I'd ran out of polite options. My only other choice was to walk away.

The mom orders the kid a cheeseburger.

When I bring their food out, the mom asks for another milk for her daughter. I explain that I will have to charge her for the refill, but I'll gladly get her one. The mom opens her mouth to say something but the little girl starts talking first, "My mommy says you're a stupid bitch." The dad cracks up laughing, the mom turns beat red, grabs her daughter out of her high chair and runs to the bathroom with her. The dad says to just bring the refill and apologizes.

When they came back from the bathroom the mom wouldn't look at me, and the little girl was all teary eyed. Though she did throw her french fries at the bus girl.

2005-11-22T04:21:00.000-07:00

Table 6

The Old Man and The Old Woman were glaring at each other when I walked up to get their drink order. He asked for coffee and she asked for "A variety of teas, two tins of hot water, three lemons, a carafe of water- no ice, a glass of ice and two straws." I told her that I can't bring her a variety of teas, but I would tell her what we have and she can make her choice. I then listed all 10 types of tea. She said I "talk too fast" and asked me to tell her again, this time "slowly, clearly and louder". So I did. Then she said, "If you would just bring me two tea bags of every kind, like I want, I would be able to choose." I tell her again, we are not allowed to bring more than two tea bags to any customer. And she asks me to tell her again what we have. She made a decision that time and I went to go get their drinks.

I tell a co-worker what a gem I have at Table 6...but my co-worker already knew. She had went out to get something from her car when Table 6 was on their way in. The Old Woman was complaining to The Old Man about his driving as they walked up the stairs...and as they walked in the door...and as they waited for a table.

I get back to the table to see if they're ready to order. The Old Man asks about the specials. I tell him that I don't know them yet, as the manager hasn't put them up (on the board) yet, but I'll go check with her. To which The Old Woman replies, "The Dinner Specials Should Be Up Before Dinner. You need to tell your manager that." I go check on the specials, not telling my manager anything because it's only 4:30, which I don't really consider "Dinner". I get back to the table, tell them the specials and then The Old Man asks about the prices. I apologize and tell him that I don't know because the manager didn't tell me when she told me what the specials were going to be. The Old Woman says, "I'm very upset right now. It's a sign of poor customer service to not find out all the information your customer will need. Don't you know anything about service? The Customer Is Always Right, and right now I'm upset." I go back and find out the prices of the specials, go back to Table 6, tell them the prices and take their order. Their order does not include any specials.

When I brought out The Old Woman's salad, with dressing on the side, one drop of dressing had spilled out of the cup onto the lettuce about which she complained before dumping the whole cup of dressing onto the salad. Then she asked for more dressing.

When I brought out their food she complained that she hadn't finished her salad and there was too much gravy on her mashed potatoes.

After The Old Woman is done eating every last bite of her food (including sopping up her gravy with her toast) she complains that her food was "cold, over-cooked and practically tasteless". I'd checked on them twice while they were eating and she'd never said a word.

I have to say, it was all worth my fifty cent tip. < /sarcasm>

2005-11-19T22:04:00.000-07:00

Table 6

They walk in at 8:50. They know we close in ten minutes, so they order quickly. Though, Lady A is a bit upset we're out of baked potatoes and soup. She settles for mashed potatoes and a salad. Everything's all right.

They're done eating and Lady B calls me over to the table. She asks me, "Do you speak English?" I reply that I do and ask what I can do for her. She points at the bus girl who is pulling out the tables and sweeping underneath. "Tell her to stop sweeping." Now, they're done eating and the bus girl isn't sweeping near their table...so just to clarify, I ask, "I'm sorry, you want her to stop sweeping altogether?" "Yeah, I want her to stop sweeping. She kickin' up dust all over here." I tell Laby B that she does have to sweep right now, but she can go to another section of the resturant, if that's okay. "Whatever. That's better than nothing anyway." So, I ask the bus girl to go to the front of the restaurant instead. As I'm walking back to finish my sidework, Lady B stops me again and asks to see my manager.

She tells him exactly what I've just told you, but she adds that I looked at her "like she was stupid or something", I rolled my eyes, and I said something rude about her in Spanish to the bus girl.

I don't even speak Spanish...and I never roll my eyes at a customer when they can see me.

They got 20% off their bill and I was told to stop "havin' so much damn attitude".

*rolls eyes*

2005-11-19T01:06:00.000-07:00

Forget the flu, Stupidity is far more contagious.

Questions I was asked today:

"Is there meat in the 'guy-row' sandwich?" *correct answer: Yes, gyro meat!*

After being asked how he wants his patty melt cooked, "Just grilled is okay. Or do you deep-fry them?" *correct answer: medium well*

"A margarita sounds good, but I do they all have tequila in them?" *I'm sure they have tequila-less margaritas somewhere, but I've yet to have one...unless you count a daquiri, those are kinda like margaritas*

"What kind of soup do you have tonight?" "I'm sorry, we're all out of soup." "Oh, well, do you have any chicken noodle?" "No, sir I'm sorry, we are out of soup." "Oh. Do you have any broth left?" "No, sir. We're all out."

"Look John, they have two stores. We'll have to try the one in Aurora." John repies, "This is the one in Aurora." Woman, as I pass the table, "Excuse me, miss, is this the Aurora restaurant or the Denver restaurant?" *I could've pointed to the sign across the street that says, "Now Entering Aurora", but I just politely told her we were in Aurora and the other store is downtown.*

All in one night.

2005-11-12T04:04:00.000-07:00

I know, you've all been dying for updates...but my computer broke. We have a new one now, so there should be no delay in the asshole customer updates! Yay. I know you're all very excited.

A quick run-down on what's been going on in the restaurant.

Table 6. Three guys drunk at 8:30 p.m. on a Thursday night come in for some breakfast to soak up the booze. My pen has a spoon taped to it, which they find very amusing. I explain it's so customers don't take it when they use it for a credit card. They ask why I don't use a fork (that way if someone pisses me off I can poke them with it), I explain that if I used a fork and kept it in my apron every time I bend over, it pokes me. Yeah, that's not something to say to drunk guys. They start laughing about me getting "poked when I bend over". Then one of them orders, "Eggs Bend over" instead of eggs benedict. His friends think it's the funniest thing ever and I walk away, because seriously...it wasn't even that funny.

Table 8. They both order malts, hers with EXTRA malt. So, instead of the three scoops of malt we usually use, I give her five. More than enough for most malt lovers...Or so I thought. When I bring their food, she tells me, "This shake is clumpy and there's no malt whatsoever in it. I can't drink it." I offer to re-mix it and add more malt. "More malt? Are you trying to tell me you put malt in this the first time? It sure doesn't taste like it." I ask her again if this means she'd like it re-mixed, finally she answers me. "That would be great...and don't forget the malt this time."
I can't express it quite as well here, but seriously, she was such a condescending bitch.

Table 35. A guy walks into a bar...no wait, that's not what I meant to say. I guy walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a drink (Jim Beam on the rocks) and then another ("This time make it a double") smokes three cigarettes and orders another drink ("Just bring me two right away"). With his last drinks, I bring the bill. "No, no schweety," he slurs, "I'm just getting started. I don't need a tab yet." I tell him four drinks is our limit, which is what my manager told me as I made his last two drinks. He puts down the cash to cover the tab, slams both of his drinks and walks out. A minute later, he comes back in and asks for a Jim Beam on the rocks. I tell him I can't serve him. He argues that he just walked in the door, I tell him I'm sorry, but there's nothing more I can do, he's more than welcome to talk to the manager. Instead, he just leaves, muttering swear words under his breath.

Okay, that's more than enough for now. Catch ya next week, I'm off this weekend.

2005-11-03T23:08:00.000-07:00

Table 6

They sat down at 4:15 p.m. They ordered a beer each and said they were going to wait to order food.

They ordered their next beers at 5:30. And had yet to even open their menus.

At 6:15 they ordered chips and salsa.

At 6:50 they ordered one more beer.

7:15. I get cut from the floor (that means I get to finish my sidework and go home, for those non-waitstaff folks) and they order food.

7:20 They get their food.

7:22. They ask for to-go boxes.

7:50 They complain to the cashier that the last beer wasn't half-price like the happy hour beers. They complain that they had to pay for chips and salsa. The guy even complained that the booth made his back hurt.

They took the table for 3 hours, spent hardly any money ($21) and then complained about pretty much everything. To put the icing on the cake they tipped $2. Which, granted is almost 10%...but still that booth could've sat five or six table in the time they spent there.

It was all just very irritating.

2005-11-01T01:36:00.000-07:00

Table 7.

It's Halloween, so we all wore costumes to work. I was a pirate...which drove me to be very silly and say things like, "How arrrgh you doin'?" and the like. Most people giggled politley, a few even shared pirate jokes. (How much do pirates spend on earrings? A buck-an-ear. There's really no such thing as a good pirate joke.) But not Table 7.

I walk up, do my pirate schtick (the aforementioned, how argh you doin' matey thing), and not one person in the party of four smiles. One guy breaks the awkward silence with, "Coffee". I ask if anyone else would like anything else to drink, and the old woman in the back says, "If you're done playing around, I think we'd like to order." "Okay, I can take your drink orders at the same time." They order and the woman (who shall now be referred to as Rude Lady) ask for "a cup of decaf, hot, not cold like it usually is, with my meal".

I'm waiting for their food, and since we are dreadfully slow I'm just standing around talking to our few other customers. And Rude Lady starts waving her napkin. I walk over and ask if they need anything. She replies, "Have you forgotten my decaf?" I tell her I'm sorry, it seems I'd misunderstood, I thought she wanted it *with* her meal. To which she says, "Well, that's what I'd hoped but since our food is taking so long, I'd rather not wait."

I'd like to point out that it hadn't been even 7 minutes and every one of them had "very well-done" hamburgers.

I get her coffee and a minute later their food comes up. When I take it out everyone is pleased, but in need of mustard. I bring it back and Rude Lady is once again unhappy. "The tomato made my bun soggy. Just how long did you leave this sitting in the window?" "I'm sorry, our tomatoes are fresh and have a tendency to be juicy. I'll be more than happy to get you a new bun." She just sits there, holding her bun, staring at me. Then she asks, "Well, are you going to answer my question? How Long Did You Leave My Food Sitting Under Those Heat Lamps?" "Ma'am, I brought your food as soon as it was up, I doubt it was under any heat lamp for more than 30 seconds." She puts the burger on a side plate and tells me. "This time I want my bun crispy and my tomato on the side." I take the burger, give it to the cooks and go back to Table 7 to refill coffees. Everyone else says they're happy and the food is great. Rude Lady hands me her fries and says, "These are cold now. I need new ones. And don't just put these in the microwave I want Fresh Fries." I just take the plate and walk away, I'm done talking to her.

I bring her her brand new burger, bun and fries. With all the garnish on the side and she's happy. Entirely. She smiles and says thank you.

Before they leave I walk over and offer dessert and drop off the check. Rude Lady smiles and says, "You were off to a rocky start. Thank you for making things right. ... I almost had to make you walk the plank!!"

Everyone at Table 7 laughed. I giggled politely and walked away.

I think Tom Cruise is wrong...MORE people need medication.

2005-10-30T02:32:00.000-07:00

Table 21

Two grubby, young kids and an old lady. Yeah, off to a beautiful start. The kids want coffee and water, the old lady wants wine. I asked what kind and she said, "The strong one". The grand-daughter says, "Just a white zinfandel, will be fine." The old lady was adorable...youngins' not so much. (Oh, and by kids, I mean early twenties. Not like, literally, children.)

The Order:
Boy: Can I get some chips and salsa and a combo burrito, extra green chili?"
Me: Sure, do you want the chips and salsa before the meal?
Boy: No, with the burrito.
Girl: I'll have the Macho Nachos.
Me: Beef or Chicken?
Girl: I said the Macho Nachos, not beef or chicken nachos.
Me: Okay, well, the Nachos come in either beef or chicken but if you'd rather I can do them with beans.
Girl: Well if it comes with it, then just give it to me.
Me: Okay, which would you like beef or chicken?
Girl: I thought you said they came with it?
Me: Yes, the Nachos come with EITHER beef OR chicken.
Girl: *rolls eyes* Beef, then.
Me: Good deal. And for you ma'am?
Old Lady: I'll have...
Girl: She's not hungry. *takes menu away from Old Lady*
Me: Okay...I should have that right out to you guys.

Their food comes up and I take it out. I put the chips and salsa down and the guy says, "Where's my guac?" I finish putting the food down and tell the guy that I hadn't heard him say guac, but I'll be right back with it and ask if anyone else needs anything. The Old Lady asks for another glass of wine. I make my way back to the kitchen to get some guac and the girl comes up and says, "Just bring her juice in a wine glass."

They eat and when they're done, most of the chips, salsa and guac are still left, as is the Old Lady's "wine". The Boy says, "Since you didn't bring out the chips and salsa as an appetizer we didn't get a chance to eat them...I want them taken off the bill, since you didn't bring them in time." That irritates me because he didn't order them as an appetizer, he asked for them with the burrito...Anyway, I ask my manager and he says just take it off. So, I do.

When they get to the register, the Old Lady tells the manager, "She didn't bring me wine, just juice in a wine glass." And he takes the wine off, too. I pointed out to him after they left I'd charged for a juice and explained what had happened. He thought it was all very funny.

2005-10-28T01:34:00.000-07:00

Alright. It's been almost a week since my last update...That in no way means that I've had no asshole customers, I've just been busy...watching TV and drinking coffee.

From Friday 10/21

Table 41

Two people who chose to sit in smoking, rather than wait five minutes for a table in non. When they were sat, the WHOLE restaurant was full, including 2/3rds of the smoking section and the whole bar. They were told it would take a minute for their server to get to them. Three minutes later when I did get to them, they complained about the wait...and the smoke. The host informed me a table was being cleaned off and if they wanted they could move. They declined. I took their order, along with four others, put them all in and ran to make drinks. Busy, busy, blah, blah. Their food came up while I happened to be standing next to the window. I took it to them right away and asked if they needed anything else. At the moment, they were okay, so I left them to their food. The other four orders came up in quick succession, taking another 10 minutes of so to get out in their entirety. I then checked back on Table 41. I gave them refills and confirmed that everything was okay and they needed nothing else. Drinks were made, more food was taken out and another ten minutes passes before I checked back in on 41.

And now the story changes. The woman is VERY upset. "I'm a regular here and never have I had such bad service." I'm taken a bit aback, as they've not seemed upset at all up to this point, "I'm sorry ma'am. What was wrong, and is there anything I can do for you now?" "I've just never had such bad service." "Okay...well, would you rather speak to my manager about this?" I thought maybe she hadn't answered because she didn't want to upset me, or maybe she was too cowardly to say something to my face. "Now, why do I got to talk to your manager. Can't you talk to me about you not being a good waitress?" "I'm sorry you found your service to be lacking. Let me go get my manager." I had to walk away. I couldn't figure out how to respond to her. I told Anthony (my manager) about the table and asked him to go talk to her. Instead, he watched some college football on TV. Finally she came up to the register and talked to Anthony. She told him, "She's had nothing but a bad attitude since the minute we sat down. Trying to get us to go sit somewhere else and rolling her eyes at us every chance she gets. Then I try to talk to her about it and she gets all uppity and rude. She's rude and stuck-up."

Now, in my life I've been called a LOT of things, but this is the first time I've ever been called "stuck-up".

For her talk of being a 'regular', I've worked five nights a week for the past eight months straight, and I've never seen her in that restaurant before.

2005-10-19T19:14:00.000-07:00

Table 6

On Sunday nights we're usually pretty slow, so we only have three servers. Normally this is more than enough, but this Sunday night, one of the other waitresses was sick. So there were only two of us. For 20 tables, not including the bar and counter. Of course this is the night we get really busy...but the real fun started when we were getting ready to close.

Ten minutes before we were going to lock the doors, I got two new tables. One was an incomplete party waiting for two more guests. I told them that we were going to be closing the kitchen in ten minutes. The reply I got, "Well, if we'd been told that when we walked in, we would've walked right back out."

My other party was all there. There was four of them and they ordered quickly and were really cool about it.

The other party was finally complete and they also ordered very quickly.

Then I took out the food.

The previously incomplete party was entirely happy and very nice. The lady who was rude apologized and said, "Sometimes, when I'm really hungry, I can be a real bitch. I'm so sorry if I was rude." Everything was cool.

The other table wanted extra gravy. The cooks had to get some from the back and warm it in the microwave, stir it so it warmed evenly and didn't get gross. This takes about three minutes. In that time, I tried to get some sidework done. I was wiping some stuff down, when the girl who'd asked for the gravy got up and started waving her arms frantically. I said I silent prayer that a fly hadn't fallen in her mashed potatoes. When I got there she said, "Hi, remember us? We're waiting for gravy? Or are you too busy cleaning to bother with us?" I apologized for her wait, explained the kitchen had been closed and it was going to take a couple extra minutes. I also asked if there was anything else I could do for them while they waited. They said everything was fine. I went and got the gravy, brought it to the table and the girl said, "My friend needs more wine." I smiled politely, asked if anyone else needed a refill while I was there and went to get the wine after everyone, again, said they were fine. When I dropped off the wine, The Girl's boyfriend took his iced tea from behind the dessert menu and said, "I need some more tea." I didn't smile, I didn't ask, I just went to get tea. My manager was standing near the pitcher of tea, while I filled it I told her how Table 6 was intentionally running me. She agreed it was fucked up and I when I dropped off the tea, I heard The Girl say, "If she didn't spend so much time talking to her friends, maybe I would try to be nicer."

At least her friends realized she was being a bitch too.

The previously incomplete party left when they were done eating, thanked everyone for sticking around for them, and tipped very generously.

Table 6 stayed until my manager asked them to leave, complained that we close too early, and left $3.

I hate people sometimes.

2005-10-14T23:49:00.000-07:00

Table 21.

They weren't specifically annoying or needy, though there were 13 of them.

I know that I'm a good server so I tend not to Gratuity large tables, though, I can if I choose.

I bet you can tell why they were the bad table tonight...
Yeah, on a $100 check, they left me $8.

$8. And they were actually happy with my service.

Overall it was a great night tonight though.

October 13th

2005-10-13T21:50:00.000-07:00

This will be my venting zone. Here you will here about the worst customers that I've had to serve during my most recent shift...or occasionally, I'll throw in an old story or someone else's terrible experience. Um...Yeah.

So, tonight's worst table was TABLE 2.

They sat down, and waited at their table for about 2 minutes. I was putting in another tables order and getting extra napkins and such for yet another table, so I couldn't get to them right away.

The guy gets up, goes to the counter and asks (very loudly), "Is there anybody that works here?"

The hostess tells him someone will be right with him and apologizes.

I get over there, apologize for the wait, tell them the specials, and ask if they're ready to order.

He says, "Hell, I just sat down, can't you give me a minute to look at the menu?"

So, I walk away, get their drinks and come back to the table about 45 seconds later. He's sitting there with his menu closed and just starting at me like I just told him his mom sucks cock for gas money on Colfax.

"Darlin', maybe you don't know how to take a joke, but I was ready to order the last time you were here." I have absolutely no reply. The guy hadn't sounded like he was joking he was looking at the menu when he said it...anyway. So I get their order and take out their food.

He had a coney dog and she had a cup of chili. She *looks* at her chili and says, "This is too cold. Can you have them put it in the microwave for me?" I ask if they need anything else and walk away. I'm warming the chili when the guy walks up...in the servers line and says, "You done with that yet?" I just take it out and give it to him. It was in there about 10 seconds, but fuck him and his obese wife.

I take out the food to the other table, they're happy and nice...and then I walk past Table 2, the guys *grabs* my arm and asks for more chili for his hotdog.

After I give him his chili I ask if they need anything else and drop off the check. The guy says everything was fine, he smiles and says, "Sorry about all the trouble. You were great."

Then...when he's on his way out the door. He stops at the cashier stand and asks to speak to a manager. He then tells the manager that I was rude, his food was cold and I never came back to check on them. The manager apologizes and gives them a discount card for next time. The guy says he left the bill on the table. Which he did, though he paid with a check. Even though on the bill it says no checks, on the door it says no checks, at the register it says no checks.