Tables 52 & 53

Here's another classic that I never got around to putting up...

There was a party of 8 that came in around lunchtime on a Sunday afternoon, one of the restaurants busiest times of the week, and expected to be sat immediately. People who'd been waiting patiently, and had had their names on the list before our party of eight, were called and sat. And after every table that was sat, the Matron would come up to the hostess and ask why they weren't getting a table ready for them yet. It was repeatedly explained, that they had to wait. When, finally, their name was called they were sat in two booths, since there were no table to put together at the moment. The Matron complained that the booth was uncomfortable and she was "sinking" into it (which was most likely caused by her gigantically fat ass) but when asked if they'd rather continue waiting for a table, they declined. Which meant I was stuck with them.

The party was made up of six kids (ranging from about two years old to about 15) and two adults. The Matron ordered waters for all of the kids and a Coke for her and water for her...husband? Not one of the kids looked remotely like either of them. Before ordering, The Matron asked if the kids meals came with a free drink (like it says on the menu) I told her they did...and then she let the kids have milk. I told her I could do kids meals for the little kids but the older kids, if getting a kids meal had to purchase a full priced drink. (It's the restaurants policy) Then she told me, none of her kids were over 11.
I have to say, that's the first time I've met a 5'7 eleven year old wearing a JV soccer jersey.
I wasn't about to sit around arguing with her...so I went ahead and put five of the kids down for kids meals. There was a little blonde girl (about six?) sitting at the parents table who ordered a dozen buffalo wings and onion rings appetizer. Each of the parents ordered steak and eggs.

Remember now, it's Sunday brunch time. Five minutes after I put in their order, the Matron came up to the front of the restaurant and said Very Loudly, "Those kids are so hungry back there, they're eating jellies. How much longer are you going to make us wait for our food?!?" I told her that it was a busy time of day and it was going to take some time. There were other orders ahead of theirs, but as soon as it was ready I would bring it out. That just pissed her off. It seems her order should be cooked before anyone elses, no matter how long and patiently others had been waiting. A manager talked to her and said, exactly what I did...which while not calming her much, did get her to go back to her table. Though once she was back, she yelled at the kids (four of which were sitting at a different booth with no adult) across the booths, threw creamer at them and yelled, "Shut your mouths." "Can't you be quiet?". I had to have a manager come back and ask her to stop yelling and throwing things at her children.

After I'd brought out their food, the Matron complained that her husbands eggs were too dry. After he'd eaten them, and I'd already checked on them once and no one had mentioned it. I talked to the manager, and he said, "Just get him some new eggs". So I did. When I brought them, she complained that her steak was overcooked and she couldn't eat it...there were about four bites left from the 10 oz. Ribeye I'd brought her. Again, I talked to my manager, this time he said, "Hell no, we're not making her a new steak. Give her this $2 off coupon for next time." I explained to her, since she'd already eaten most of her steak there was nothing I could do for her (which totally contradicted the whole egg situation) other than giving her the coupon. I brought boxes for the little girl with the wings and onion rings and gave them their check.

The Matron asked why I hadn't discounted the little girls buffalo wings. I stopped because I had no answer and didn't want to just ask, "Why would I?" which gave her time to tell me, "She's a little girl you can't charge her full price. She didn't even eat all of it." I told her that she'd ordered off of the adult menu, the price clearly stated next to the item ordered and they were taking the left-overs home. There was no reason for a discount. Then she asked why I'd charged them for a kids drink if the kids got free drinks with their meals. I explained to her that a free drink for kids comes with a "kids meal" not any meal a kid orders. Since the little girl had ordered off of the regular menu, I had to charge her for her drink. (Plus, since these people were horribly rude I was going to charge them for everything I could) She took it upon herself to talk to the manager about the ticket. They backed me up and didn't take off the kids drink or discount buffalo wings.
Then the Matron asked I could split the tickets so each adult had three kids on their ticket.
I did.
When I dropped off the new checks, as I walked away, The Matron told her husband, "There menu says 'gratuity may be added to parties of five or more' and hell if I'm going to have them add a gratuity."

They took up two tables for almost two hours, complained about everything, had me running getting refills for the kids and the parents, bothering nearby customers (some of whom even moved to other tables to get away) and they left me a $1.50 tip.

This is an old one...before the days when I had a blog to vent.

Table 7 (or somewhere over there by the windows; like I said, it's an old story)

A young couple in their early 20's were having a late breakfast. The girl ordered a vegetarian burrito with vegetarian green chili. The young man then ordered,*
"I'd like the two egg breakfast."
"How'd you like your eggs?"
"Scrambled"
"Homefries and toast, french toast, pancakes or biscuits and gravy?"
"Does your gravy have pork in it?"
"Yes, sir. It does have sausage in it."
*makes face* "Pancakes."
"Okay, would you like any meat with that?"
"What kind of meat?"
"Bacon, ham, sausage links or patties."
"Do you have anything that isn't pork?"
"We do, we also have..."
"Because I don't eat pork."
"Okay...well you could have...."
"I'd rather not go to hell."
"Well sir, you don't have to eat anything with pork in it...like I was trying to say, we do have other meats."
"I'm muslim. I believe seriously that if you eat pork you will go to hell. Do you eat pork?"
"Yes sir, but I'm not muslim."
"That doesn't matter you're going to hell in my eyes."
"I'll take that to mean you'd rather not do meat with your eggs?"

His pancakes were grilled on the same grill as other peoples sausage and bacon...I wonder if by not telling him this I damned him to an enternity of hellfire?

I sure hope so.

*I've tried to recreate the conversation as faithfully as possible, but a word or two may be off.

Table 43


I deliver a young couple their food. After I put it down and ask if they need anything else, the guy asks if he can see my wrist (I have a tattoo there...so it wasn't all that weird) and I hold it out to him so he can take a better look. He asks the standard questions about font and where I got it done that I get from everyone. Then he says, "That is by far the sweetest fucking tattoo I've seen in a long time. Simple, but awesome." I tell him thanks and tell them both to enjoy their meal and I'll be back to check on them in a little while.

As I'm walking away I can hear the girl saying, "I can't believe you were flirting with her in front of me...and how is her tattoo better than mine? I have way better tattoos than her..." She kept saying stuff, but I was out of earshot, so I missed the rest.

I came back after a few minutes to check in on them, the guy wouldn't look at me or answer when I asked if everything was okay and if they needed anything else. The girl asked for more soda, though hers was more than halfway full. When I brought that, she asked for Tabasco. When I brought that she needed more napkins. When I brought those she'd dropped her fork on the floor and needed a new one. I had someone else take it to her and didn't go back to the table until they were both obviously done eating to take them their check. It came to $19.85 and the girl handed me a twenty and said, "Keep the change...for your next tattoo."

The guy had forgotten his sunglasses and ran back in a couple minutes after they'd left and gave me a ten and apologized for his girlfriend being a bitch. I thought it was hilarious.