Table 7

A couple in their mid-40's and an old guy (I'm guessing he was the dude's father) have been waiting for approximately 45 seconds. (I was right behind the host that sat them and only stopped to pick up a water before getting to their table.)
I put down the water and say, "Good evening folks. How are you doing tonight?"
Dude: We're ready to order.
Me: Good deal, what can I do for you ma'am? (I like to start with the ladies order, seems polite right?)
Dude: I'll have the Patty Melt, no onions, on sourdough bread, with cheddar instead of american cheese and NO ONIONS. Okay? Can you do that? No Onions.
Me: Yes, I got it. No onions. How do you like your burger cooked?
Dude: Did you hear the rest? Cheddar cheese and sourdough? And make sure there are No Onions anywhere on the plate.
Me: Yes, sir. *shows book where I write down orders* See, no onions, cheddar, sourdough. How do you like it cooked?
Dude: Medium rare. Not bloody. Med-I-Um RARE.
Me: Okay, what can I get for you ma'am.
Dude: She's going to have the Patty Melt, too.
Me: Okay, how do you like yours cooked ma'am?
Dude: Make sure there's no onions on hers either.
Lady: Well done and I'll have mine just like his, but on rye and with swiss cheese (Which I'd like to point out is not just like his at all...unless you count the no onions)
Me: Got it. And for you sir?
Old Dude: Patty Melt. The way it comes. Medium.
Me: Awesome, does anyone need anything to drink with your burgers?
Dude: Just make sure there's no onions and I'll be okay.

I bring out their food a few minutes later...

Me: Can I get you folks any mustard or mayo for your burgers, ranch for your fries?
Dude: I can smell onions. Are you sure this is cheddar? It looks like American cheese.
Me: The onions are on his burger *points to Old Dude* and as far as I know it's cheddar. Do you need anything else to go with your dinner?
Old Dude: This ketchup's empty. *squirts ketchup on my arm* Oh, I guess there was a little left.
Me: *stunned silence*
Lady: Well? Can we get a NEW ketchup?

I didn't even answer, I just walked away.
I told the manager that the Old Dude at Table 7 had just squirted ketchup on my arm...and he laughed. I made him take them their ketchup and their check and I ate the rest of his onion rings.

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