This story isn't quite my usual style, but hopefully you'll still find it amusing.

We serve Heinz Malt Vinegar with our fish & chips. ^ This is what the bottle looks like.

Both guests at Table 12 had ordered the fish and chips. After I brought their food, I took a bottle of malt vinegar out of my apron and placed it on the table.

The woman says, "I didn't order any beer." Which makes me smile because it's funny to me, and I tell her, "That's not beer, that's malt vinegar..." (I was about to follow up with, "it's for your fish and chips." but she cut me off with...) "I don't care if it's not considered 'beer' because it's malt liquor, I didn't order it. And I don't want it on the bill." It takes considerable strength for me to hold back a giggle, but I pick up the bottle and show her the word VINEGAR and explain it's for her food and we don't charge for it, so she shouldn't have to worry about her bill.

It was all very funny.

Looking back on it later, I couldn't help but wonder if this woman has had previous experience with waitresses who carry beer in their aprons. And that just made it funnier for me.

Not all bad customers are adults...

Table 24

I walk up to a young couple and their three year old child. I ask if they'd like something to drink and the little girl says, "YOU DRINK PEE!!!". Her mom doesn't even acknowledge it and orders a milk for the tiny monster. I come back to take their order and the mom says to the little girl, "Now tell the lady what you want to eat." Which is always great, because kids take 10 minutes to order a hot dog. The little girl says, "I want a pony!!" To which I reply, "A little thing like you couldn't eat a whole pony. Silly girl. Did you want a cheeseburger?" The mom looks at me all evily, "She can order for herself." So, I stand their waiting while the little darling tries to stick a crayon up her nose and her mom coos "C'mon honey, tell the nice lady what you want to eat." Instead of ordering the little girl bangs her spoon on the table, throws her crayons at the busser, picks her nose. I ask the dad what he'd like to eat, while this is going on, and before he even opens his mouth, the mom says, "I would appreciate it if you would stop trying to rush my little girl and let her order." To which I reply, "I'm sure that couple [pointing to another table waiting quietly with their menus closed in the universal symbol of "ready to order"] would appreciate it if you would just order for your daughter so they can order as well. I'm sure she's capable, but right now she seems distracted, so maybe you can help her out a little bit."

Okay, I admit, it wasn't the nicest way to have handled that, but seriously, I was there for like six minutes and I had two other new tables to get to, I'd already offered to come back, tried to take the dad's order...I felt I'd ran out of polite options. My only other choice was to walk away.

The mom orders the kid a cheeseburger.

When I bring their food out, the mom asks for another milk for her daughter. I explain that I will have to charge her for the refill, but I'll gladly get her one. The mom opens her mouth to say something but the little girl starts talking first, "My mommy says you're a stupid bitch." The dad cracks up laughing, the mom turns beat red, grabs her daughter out of her high chair and runs to the bathroom with her. The dad says to just bring the refill and apologizes.

When they came back from the bathroom the mom wouldn't look at me, and the little girl was all teary eyed. Though she did throw her french fries at the bus girl.

Table 6

The Old Man and The Old Woman were glaring at each other when I walked up to get their drink order. He asked for coffee and she asked for "A variety of teas, two tins of hot water, three lemons, a carafe of water- no ice, a glass of ice and two straws." I told her that I can't bring her a variety of teas, but I would tell her what we have and she can make her choice. I then listed all 10 types of tea. She said I "talk too fast" and asked me to tell her again, this time "slowly, clearly and louder". So I did. Then she said, "If you would just bring me two tea bags of every kind, like I want, I would be able to choose." I tell her again, we are not allowed to bring more than two tea bags to any customer. And she asks me to tell her again what we have. She made a decision that time and I went to go get their drinks.

I tell a co-worker what a gem I have at Table 6...but my co-worker already knew. She had went out to get something from her car when Table 6 was on their way in. The Old Woman was complaining to The Old Man about his driving as they walked up the stairs...and as they walked in the door...and as they waited for a table.

I get back to the table to see if they're ready to order. The Old Man asks about the specials. I tell him that I don't know them yet, as the manager hasn't put them up (on the board) yet, but I'll go check with her. To which The Old Woman replies, "The Dinner Specials Should Be Up Before Dinner. You need to tell your manager that." I go check on the specials, not telling my manager anything because it's only 4:30, which I don't really consider "Dinner". I get back to the table, tell them the specials and then The Old Man asks about the prices. I apologize and tell him that I don't know because the manager didn't tell me when she told me what the specials were going to be. The Old Woman says, "I'm very upset right now. It's a sign of poor customer service to not find out all the information your customer will need. Don't you know anything about service? The Customer Is Always Right, and right now I'm upset." I go back and find out the prices of the specials, go back to Table 6, tell them the prices and take their order. Their order does not include any specials.

When I brought out The Old Woman's salad, with dressing on the side, one drop of dressing had spilled out of the cup onto the lettuce about which she complained before dumping the whole cup of dressing onto the salad. Then she asked for more dressing.

When I brought out their food she complained that she hadn't finished her salad and there was too much gravy on her mashed potatoes.

After The Old Woman is done eating every last bite of her food (including sopping up her gravy with her toast) she complains that her food was "cold, over-cooked and practically tasteless". I'd checked on them twice while they were eating and she'd never said a word.

I have to say, it was all worth my fifty cent tip. < /sarcasm>